BLAH!!!

Or Alternately, What to Wear? What to Wear?

Here I sit at a total loss for what to do…or rather what to wear. Hubby started his new job on Monday and this coming Friday is the company Christmas party, which is apparently some super, big deal for them. I don’t necessarily understand why we are going seeing as how he literally just started and doesn’t know anyone yet, but I assume it’s a networking thing. I have plans to keep my weirdness to a dull roar and just grin and bare it until it’s over and basically, since we live in WI and the company he works for is in IL, I won’t have to see or deal with any of these people again until next year’s Christmas party extravaganza, which maybe I’ll have a little more time to plan for.

Hubby was given strict orders to go in and find out exactly how dressing for this party should be handled. I was told it was dress casual, very certainly not formal, which saves me from the nightmare of having to also go out and pay some twit to do my hair. Of course, I’m still having some troubles.

Hubby talked to a man about this, which doesn’t really help me too much. I need a woman’s point of view and apparently female employees are scarce at his new job. Secondly, what the hell is dress casual?

I ask because I’m a girl awfully fond of my collection of plaid golf pants, well-worn jeans and tiny t-shirts. I have a love for my hair in pigtails and my feet in striped toe-socks (They’re gloves for your feet). I would trade any sweater I have ever owned for a larger collection of zipper-front hoodies. My dress coat is short fuzz standard leopard print and has been borrowed by many of my friends.

This is me and what I have one today. The pants are plaid, but since I had to take the picture myself, you can't see them in the picture. They are red, tan and baby blue golf pants.

My shoe collection is a bit out of control. I will buy any pair of shoes I like at any given point no matter where I am or if I can even afford them right that second. I am a shoe junky and collection is large. Although, you have to keep in mind that this collection is also really only dealt with during the fall and winter months for the most part. I tend to start going barefoot as soon as the temperature hits 60 degrees.

My closet is actually what the true master bedroom of my house has been turned into seeing as how there wasn’t an actual closet in the house large enough to house the chaos (Hubby’s clothes are stored in the actual closet in this room). I have very groovy attire. I’m an everyday dresser, seeing as how I don’t have a ‘real’ job and what I do I do from the comfort of my own desk chair.

I’m not a fan of the getting all dressed up and generally feel like a traitor to my tomboy tendencies when wearing dresses and skirts, although I am not opposed to putting on either if it gets me what I want or needs to be done. I find that the little plaid schoolgirl skirt can get a girl just about anything and should be a staple in any girl’s wardrobe.

In the last decade, I have attended three formal events…prom, a 25th wedding anniversary party for hubby’s aunt and uncle and my own wedding. I can count on one hand the number of times I have worn a dress and two hands for the number of times I have put on a skirt, most of which were either summery everyday skirts or it was laundry day and all my jeans were in the wash.

Hubby and I got married at an art gallery at dusk. I did not wear white. I did not have a veil. In fact, like two seconds after the ceremony and all the papers were signed, I took off my wedding shoes, which were rather cute and put on black and white tennis shoes, which everyone found to be quite amusing…with the exception of my monster-in-law who literally told me my wedding wasn’t as bad as she thought it was going to be, but then again, we bucked her system by not getting married in a church and were instead married by a judge at an art gallery owned by two gay men, one of which is a relative of mine.

Pre-ceremony, The Tripod (Me, BEG and Kinkypoe) collectively hung out in a gay couple’s bedroom getting ready, trying to figure out the strapless bra alternative (see pictures), which had my two best friends practically fondling me (These are the only two girls ever allowed near my breasts with a pair of really sharp scissors). After that, we smoked on the front porch and were just generally disinterested…and it was my own wedding.

I don’t know what anyone really expected. I was the one actually against the wedding. I wanted to just go to the courthouse and get it over with. I bought my dress off of Ebay for like $40. I spend many days getting my hair dyed numerous times to get the ‘Rogue’ out of it (The front was all white blonde like Rogue from the X-men). We opened the atlas the next day, I pointed to New Orleans, and this is where we honeymooned. I spent good portions of my honeymoon drunk in a tire swing pouring Corona down my throat and drunk in a French Quarter strip club (Go Rick’s Cabaret) with my husband buying me lap-dances. We are not normal in anyway and we make our own rules!

This is me in the tire-swing at Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville, drunk on Corona on my honeymoon. Hubby had to literally pry me out of the tire-swing and I was getting unruly, throwing tiny drink compasses at the chick behind the bar who thought it was wise to give me a pile of them to play with.

Back to the original point…

I have nothing to wear for winter dress casual party activity. I am at a total loss because everything I bother myself to get dressed up for, with the exception of random winter funerals, happens in the spring or summer. This attire will certainly not fly seeing as how it’s supposed to be all of 18 degrees in Chi-Town on Friday night.

I am a girl, but I hate shopping…and I especially hate shopping during the Christmas Festival of Greed. I have big plans to do all my gift shopping online this year and have them shipped directly to whomever they’re going to, this is how much I hate shopping.

I’m going to do it though. Gotta make a good impression or at least on that doesn’t shed light on my strange tendencies and doesn’t fill all my husband’s new coworkers in on the fact that I’m a little bit slutty (This basically leaves out any sort of clothing from Victoria’s Secret – Yes, men, they do sell other items besides thongs and push-up bras).

Yes, I’m going to brave the crowds and winter air and head to the mall. I will try as many things on as is necessary and endlessly search for the exact right ensemble all for the sake of my husband’s new job and the spirit of a good ol’ holiday party.

I imagine whatever I do manage to come up with though will be less than pleasing to them though. I imagine I am probably going to be the youngest wife if not the youngest person at the entire party and thus will be dressed as such. I will not be purchasing any holiday-themed cardigans or candy cane patterned socks.