Thursday, October 19, 2006

Pack of Angry Wolves...

Got another bill for XXX from his dermatologist, even though I have called them repeatedly to tell them he doesn't and never really did live here. I'm guessin' they're beyond pissed and fixin' to send out the wolves on him.

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if they really did send wolves after him, like a pack of wolves just chasing him around Milwaukee? Hilarious!

I think the outdoors would be a lot more entertaining if every once and a while someone ran by with a pack of wolves chasing him/her. Maybe one rips the bottom of a woman's dress but she manages to get just a little bit ahead again. A lot of people are in debt. And it would be kinda like 'The Poppins' (If unfamiliar with this referance please see Arrested Developement, Season 3, Episodes 2-6 featuring Charlize Theron).

JP, do I love 'The Poppins', even if they are unregistered! So, I'm sure that I would be amused for hours, watching broke folks getting chased down by angry, debt-collecting wolves.

This chase scene should also apply to people who launder money, commit any sort of stock fraud and evade taxes just to keep it equal...people like Wesley Snipes. He's an action star (C'mon people, I've seen JUNGLE FEVER. He does not have a flare for the dramatic). They could film it. They'd make millions. It could be Weskey's comeback.

What about Martha Stewart? Wolves could chase her...and she could say, "And that's NOT a good thing." Also, why not throw in cheating boyfriends/husbands...Nah, wait. That would just be chaos in the streets. Said 'hunted' would then get off scott-free if they manage to survive for...let's say 72 hours or so.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

All-Weather Babies...

So, it's been a while...but in my defense, I have been a busy girl. I've been doing some major painting in my house, fighting with the weather which has either been blindingly dry and cold or soaking wet amongst other numerous things (made all new curtains for the living room and dining room, replaced the old crappy window seat wood, cleaned the chandelier - every single crystal cleaned by hand, so on and so forth.)

Anyway, I had to move Jezebelle's house from the spot it's been in for the last year and a half since we got her to the middle of the room, on the other side of the dining room table and away from the cats locked safely behind the bedroom door. This is giving her some major wiggins and she still has issues if you tell her to go to her house. I'm sure she won't be traumatized for the rest of her life for it, but the trouble is....I'm gonna move it again to the foyer right by Angus' house so that'll be like their own little room and what not...and it gives me the chance to get the gigantic puppy bed out of the newly redecorated turet portion of the living room.

I also decided along the way to get them toddler beds for beds, so I've been shopping around. There's one I really like the style of but it's like $100 more than I planned to spend and only comes in white. My search continues.

Today, a day the computer actually got turned on amongst the redecoration chaos, I decided to shop for the toddler beds online. If any of you have ever read anything of mine before, you know I have serious problems with online shopping (It's frustrating and I have no patience). I googled TODDLER BED...came up with Amazon so I decided to give it a shot first since it's usually one of the most frustrating sights of them all and if left till the fist may go through my flat screen.

So, there I was at Amazon...only it hadn't taken me anywhere near toddler beds. In fact, it had taken me to baby cribs. Sometimes the brilliance at Amazon is priceless. They generally make it into the ball park with their search function (That is unless of course you search for Barbie like I was last Xmas and they offer you Twister - the game, not the movie...although, if they had offered the movie, it would have been just as bizarre.)

I moved the cursor to the amazon search bar, typed in toddler bed and hit enter. This time, there were toddler beds. I finally began my shopping. I thought I was on my way.

I filtered through the first couple pages with my mouth agape at the prices of some of these toddler beds. Honestly, I'm looking around for beds for my dogs so I'm tryin' to be frugal about it and still get something decent. I repeat they for my dogs...there's a high likelihood they'll be destroyed within a year and I'll be doing this again...I'm allowed to be a little cheap. And I'd like to think that children for the most part are better behaved and less destructive than my dogs, or any dogs for that matter, but parents, if you're paying upwards of a grand for a toddler bed which by it's name it's implied to be temporary, you should be taken out to the nearest child slave labor lumber yard and fed into the wood chipper by the eldest male child of the tribe!

It's absolutely ridiculous the prices of some of these beds...and then they don't even come with the mattress. And if you want a toddler bed that converts into a larger bed (generally full size so far as I've seen) that costs more, not that I'm looking for that option for the dogs. I'm just saying, toddler beds are a little pricey. I'm not really looking to spend more that $500 on two beds and that's including the price of the Sealy crib mattresses.

I dove in deeper on a few beds that I found intruiging and within my budget, ended up not liking most of them, but I did notice the bizarre descriptions.

Someone, please tell me why a paragraph about a toddler bed would ever need to include the phrase 'All Weather'? I expect descriptions for tires to say 'All Weather'...camping equiptment...maybe even electronics...but descriptions for what is essentially baby furniture...I don't think so.

What are you people doing with your children? Are there two year olds sleeping outside during hailstorms (no, really. the babies really like getting pelted with ice balls)? Did everyone at DCF die?

Why does it matter if the toddler bed is 'All Weather'? I can't even imagine the scenario. I guess if you were like a treasure hunter, or possibly...a...starship captain...never mind that one. Who the hell traipses through 'All Weather' with a toddler bed? I've heard tales of people that never saw the light of day from anything more than a closed window for months after having children, let alone experience even the remotest need for anything 'All Weather'. And I'd have to seriously question your parenting skills if your family is livin' in an igloo one year and a thatch hut in the middle of a jungle tree the next.

I'm a firm believer that if you have a baby or toddler...don't take it to the rainforest. Just get a babysitter. Or tell your friends ya can't go.

Are there people out there testing these beds in 'All Weather'? If so, I'd like to know how they hold up in a hurricane. If it's better than the levees in New Orleans, I think I'm sold. I figure they should have to at least be better than The Saints' stadium.

OK, I've said my piece, and now, after all this venting, I've actually come up with someone who could at some point in the near future be in need of an expensive 'All Weather' toddler bed...

Angelina Jolie!

Frakkin' BrAngelina! Dammit, they foil me every time!