Wednesday, April 12, 2006

It's All About the Butter Lamb...

So, yesterday, after all this time of still being sick, I decided to stop being a slacker. I decided that since the poke hole from the eight inch needle jabbed into my abdomen last Thursday morning for a surpise biopsy of sorts was practically healed, I may as well try to be normal again, even if there is pain and I constantly wanna take a nap no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I got my ass up off the couch, compiled a ridiculous shopping list, which involved going to the bank and buying the new LL Cool J CD (after the release date kept getting changed and I had already made many attempts to purchase this CD even with the 'featuring Jennifer Lopez'). First, I head to Walmart to get the crap I generally buy every time I go to Walmart. I like that I have a Super Center and don't really care how Walmart treats their employees so long as I just have to go to one store to get everything I need. Walmart could torture their employees all medieval like and I would praise Joe Pesci and/or Sam Walton for being able to get a lamp, fourteen yards of ginham, and a goldfish all at the same store, saving both time and money! I don't even care if the goldfish is American or not or if their collection of American Flags were pressed in Taiwan. The less I have to shop, the better it is for all of mankind and possibly some as yet unknown alien races. Anyway, I go to Walmart, thinking everything will be dandy seeing as how it's a Tuesday morning and sort of rainy and gross. I think I'll just be able to get in and out quickly. This did not in fact happen. First, I was gonna get my birth control pills since Miranda said I could take them without stopping for the bleed. The Pharmacy was a mob scene though. Old people and small, angry Mexican women with moustaches thicker that Adama's and six or seven bratty kids apiece all clinging to their stretch pants-ed legs. I take a democratic vote amongst myself and decide in favor of the candidate for a tota psychotic break should not linger in the midst of this chaos for very long and change my mind about the pills. I'll take the hit and bleed if it means I don't have to stand around the Walmart pharmacy with some of the scariest and possibly sickest people on the face of the Earth, not to mention some of the most ancient and crusty, some with wheelchairs and canes even. I decide to browse through the new music rack and see if the new LL was one that had to be edited. Alas it was not. I snatched it up with the knowledge that I had just been saved a trip to Best Buy which no doubt would have ended with my walking out with the entire 'Stargate' thus far. I walk in to Best Buy and my brain just falls out of my head and I wander around with the checkbook rambling incoherently about Sci-Fi. Unfortunately, on my way out of the entertainment dept I grabbed Daniel Powter and saw the new Pink CD which was in fact edited and now would have me once again headed towards BB and muttering something about how there is just never enough Sci-Fi available to me at a moments notice and purchasing more depressing Patsy Cline, this, a behavior that can only be blamed on 'Space: Above & Beyond' and the depressing frakkin' episode with all the Patsy Cline and death. So, I resign and put Best Buy back on the list, headed for the parusal of the Walmart Fabrics & Crack department. I end up gathering 11 different fabrics, most of which are blue. Blue is my favorite color. This was bound to happen. I tell you, the two chicks that work in the department are some of the most ghetto bitches I have ever had to deal with. Their fingernails were so long and claw-like that they could barely operate the scissors to cut the fabric. Then they broke the tag gun thing. I waited patiently though. Finally they finished. I grabbed the rest of the stuff I needed and headed for the checkouts. It seems everybody and their cousin was there buying shit for Easter as though stores are going to run out of food by the end of the week and Easter will be totally fucked. It was madness. I had a lot of stuff so I got in line behind someone who had slightly less. She was pretty much my only option and she was a woman in Walamart Super Center on a Tuesday morning buying four, yes, four butter lambs, which by the way, are obscenely priced. It is a mighty fine thing to have a butter sculpture of a lamb on the Easter dinner table though. Mock sacrifice with a butter knife is a hell of a lot of fun. Plus, it just seems to taste a little bit better and make the world seem just a little more bright when the butter is shaped like something other than butter. Personally, I think the original butter slab design is inferior and that from this day forward all butter and butter-like substances should be shaped like animals. I think butter fish are an excellent idea. Anyway, I'm standing their, waiting...and waiting...and waiting, eyeing the KitKats, which I was out of but not close enough to grab them yet. Two freaks who had no business being together, meaning that he was a middle-aged biker, leather and all and she was a frumpy ghetto girl dressed all gangster boy and if I had to hazard a guess on her age, I wouldn't have said she was more than seventeen. Together, they were in line behind me to buy one bottle of Tylenol. This becomes creepier though because I did think for a minute that he was her dad, but then they started making out as a little, old German women gets behind them. LOGW didn't seem to like them so she kept trying to get them to go over to the self-checkouts. Creepy Couple of the Damned were resistant to her old lady pushiness. She put on the full-court press and finally, instead of just relocating to the self-checkout, slam down their one bottle of extra-strength Tylenol Geltabs and flee the store. And so LOGW is now right behind me and she's totally scoping out what's in everyone's carts and not being even remotely slealthy about it. She notices as I get to the conveyer belt that I have a large stack of fabric. I know this is not going to end well for me. She says in her thick German accent even though she's probably been in this country long enough to have lost it by now, "Oh, you sew." in a very accusatory kind of way as though the fabric is for making neo-nazi concentration camp garb and I'm the new Hitler. I said, "Yeah." very cautiously as though she might start freaking out at any second. Instead she says, all accusingly again, "When do you find the time to sew?" There I was, not wanting to be rude to the LOGW by not answering her, but also surrounded by sweaty, angry, poor people and the truth is, I don't work and don't have to. I said, cautiously again, this time for fear of a tar-feather icident incited by snot-face toddler toting brown people who probably aren't even legal (It's great to be an American), "I don't work. My husband does." Luckily, I'd managed to say it quiet enough to keep the others from tackling me and still loud enough for LOGW to hear me. Next thing she says is, "You like blue." while scrutinizing my pile of mostly blue fabric. I could only manage a nod. There's no telling what old folks are capable of and even less telling when their old and tiny and German. They're fiesty and they don't take shit from anyone. Also, some of them are just a little bit out of their minds...I blame The Holocaust. Anyway, I realize that this woman is in what seems to be the longest line anywhere to buy just a value box of knee-highs and some meds. Why didn't she go to the self-checkout? Why did she choose to hang with me and scrutinize my soon-to-be purchases? I'm like a crazy, old person magnet these days. Finally I get my turn and my attentions are forced elsewhere. LOGW knows this and leaves me to tend to my check writing. I get out of Walmart and head for the bank, which is just down the street. However, I always drive right passed the bank and have to turn around and go back. This time I was dtermined to not miss the bank. I get stuck behind a car with no brake lights and am instead forced to pay attention to the car in front of me, shooting the getting-it-right plan right out the window like a boogied tissue! I miss the turn, and have to them turn around in lunch traffic on an extremely busy road. I made it out alive and made haste for Best Buy. Got there, grabbed the Pink which was conveniently located right in the front of the store and got in a checkout line. I always end up in the same happy, black woman lane and she's all cheery and shit about working at best buy and the free weeks of magazines speel. I had to halt her, having heard it from her before and having just heard her tell it to the two customers that'd been in front of me in the line. Strangely there was a man with a girl baby dressed all in pink behind me. After Best Buy I headed for McDonald's drive thru. I figured some I-Don't-Have-Cancer McNuggets were in order. By this time of the day, the line was long and the temperature outside had increased dramatically. I had definitely left the house wearing too much clothing and was now sitting in the drive thru taking things off and discarding them on the passenger seat. I even turned on the A/C. I booked home with my nuggets just in time to see Sammy and James standing around at the end of the driveway, doing their thing. Old men are hilarious...especially when they're already drunk and one of them has a lisp and a southern accent. Regardless, I knew I was in for a lecture from Sammy for leaving the house. It ended up being something about how I'd waited for him to leave and then snuck out cause if he wasn't here, he couldn't stop me. I think it's adorable when he gets all crazed about my sneakiness as though I had actually plotted an escape. I'm not that covert when I go to Walmart. Sorry, Sammy. Anyway, he called me hard-headed like he usually does and I finally got to come in the house and eat my celebratory McDonald's. However, I realized that while out, I had missed the last episode of 'Judging Amy' a show I have watched from the beginning now on TNT because surprisingly it isn't/wasn't as wholesome of a show as I had been led to believe (Tyne Daly is priceless as Amy's mother and the entire family goes nuts the last two seasons). When I turned it on, I was right in the middle of the second ep they play in a day and it was the pilot. The show had started all over again. Dammit! So, now I'm watchin' it all over again from the beginning, two episodes a day. Actually, even if I had seen the last episode I'd probably still be watching it over and over and over again. Two words...ADRIAN PASDAR... I rest my case. After the 'JA' fiasco, I listened to my new CDs. All three are awesome. I highly recommend Daniel Powter and Pink, if you're an angry girl. I really didn't have a whole lot of faith in Powter but I have to say the album is fantabulous. It reminds me of Maroon 5. I think I listened to it like 5 times. Of course, Pink's 'I'm Not Dead' is totally for the Kelly Clarkson fans. I love new music and this time it really panned out well. These two albums I can listen to straight thru without skipping any of the tracks. It was like a new music Tuesday miracle!

P.S. If you ever get the chance to see 'Austin City Limits' with The Flaming Lips and The Shins, the lips half is definitely worth the watch. There are people in animal suits and the lead singer poors blood on his head while wearing an American flag as a cape while they perform a Black Sabbath song. I love The Flaming Lips.


Blogger Orikinla Osinachi. said...

Your shopping was quite a trip and you remembered all the details of the odd balls and square pegs (the immigrants) among others. The whole experience made you forget your pain, because you never mentioned it again.

Very melodramatic.

I would have loved to merge your post and the post I read earlier about a blogger's lack of remorse for his late uncle Johnny.

The two of you have given me two colourful true life experiences to write a story for a screenplay.

I hope you are feeling better now?

Happy Easter and God bless.

1:10 PM  

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