Thursday, March 09, 2006

Little Old Men In Big Boat Cars...

The Story That Came Along With The Haircut...

So, now that we've all taken the time to ooh and ahh at the new shortage of hair on my head and the fact that it's now bright red, I thought I'd tell the story that came along with beginning of the adventure for a clip, perhaps it was the adventure...or perhaps PURGATORY has now installed a probation officer type service (Like maybe I died somewhere along the way here and don't remember, should be in hell, but it was all full up, so they let me out and every once and a while I have an appointment with PURGATORY, a day of just such immense bullshit to remind me that I'm an asshole, a Purgatory parole officer if you will...there I go, writing my own religion...DO NOT FOLLOW ME!)

Anyway, I get up yesterday morning pretty friggin' early so far as my wake-up habits go and all creeped out because the first thing that popped into my hazy head was that I was going to get my hair cut very short and it was quite long. I had a teeny-tiny panic attack moment and then finally got out of the bed to face my fears.

I let the dogs out and let them run around for like an hour then stashed them back in the house just as Daniel Powter's 'Bad Day' started on VH1. I lit a cigarette and said, "Shit, today might actually go well. Unfortunately, VH1 was having some issues with their A/V and only half the video played. Then there were some screeching noises and the screen went black with a old-style horror movie buzz, like it was mocking me and saying, "You have just entered the twilight zone filled." After checking to make sure it wasn't the TV and seeing that VH1 still didn't work, I turned it back off and headed for my coat. I should have known then that dark clouds were about to roll in.

Also, it was Wednesday morning so the world outside was sure to be overrun by old people (Sorry old people, but you drive badly and always seem to be in the way, not that I am impolite to you in any way) barely doing the speed limit, driving some of the most gigantic cars I've ever seen in my life! Where do you keep getting these cars? So in other words, the crash of the VH1 and Daniel Powter's 'Bad Day' was really telling me...You have just entered the twilight zone and it's chock full of folks in their twilight years.

There are two easy ways to get to the general shopping areas in this city, but from my house both require starting out on the same road. This road is quite narrow. There are two lanes, but they allow street parking which definitely impedes the usage of the second driving lane, so everyone just generally drives in the one. Herein lies the trouble...

I get stuck behind a boat car driven by an old man who maybe doing 22 MPH in a 35 MPH zone and he was in fact taking up both lanes, making it impossible to get around him. This is a busy area so I and the people behind me couldn't even take the chance of passing in the on-coming lane. Sorry, no one here wants to die via head-on collision with a city bus.

There was a lot of horn usage (this is what it's for) from both myself and the people behind me. This didn't seem to get us anywhere except for the fact that every time someone laid on the horn, the old guy slowed down and made matters worse.

Finally, I see Taylor Avenue which cuts across to the road the shopping is on, and I see that old guy doesn't have on his left or his right (as old folks go, it really could be either one) directional. I thought this was my chance to get out of the driving thru hell cycle. Not so much!

Old man in his boat car with just as elderly female passenger, veers back in front of me without any directional into the left turn lane. He then proceeds to slam on the brakes to avoid death by on-coming city bus. I nearly rear-ended the psycho old-fuck because not only was he driving like a douchebag, it was also raining and screwing up the road in general.

I ended up having to follow this crusty old fart all the way to the friggin' Walmart, where he had plenty of trouble making the left turn into the parking lot, so much so that myself and five others cut across in front of a speeding semi just to make some progress.

I had learned my lesson at this point. No more following. I actually went to the opposite side of the parking lot, to park and go in through the door opposite the old folks, hoping to never see them again. But not even bucking the system (I usually park on the other side and go in the other door) didn't stop the maddness!

I get in the Walmart and mosey over to Costcutters (yes, I got my hair cut at Costcutters. There was a reason for this, but I don't have the time to explain now) and talk to the chick when low and behold, asshole old couple from the boat car of doom walk in at a snail's pace. Apparently they had appointments. And now things get worse...

Old fuck decides that he is going to yell at me at the top of his lungs in the Walmart/Costcutters. What was he yelling and making a hellacious scene about you may ask...My driving skillz and ability! Had he been anyone else, I would have let loose the hellfire. I have a bad temper and little or no patience.

I kept my mouth shut though, especially about his making a mockery of the road. Don't argue with old people. I know better, even if they don't have a clue in the friggin' world! Finally he shut up and I thought, very foolishly, we were done and the day could just go on as though none of it had happened.

Now, the Costcutters in the Walmart is small, like the size of the bathroom. They have all of three chairs. There was already one old lady in there reading a magazine and monopolyzing two of the three chairs. I sat down on the third. Old fuck then marches over and declares that I need to get up so his wife has a place to sit. I refused.

You may think this evil of me seeing as how I was raised better and she was quite an old lady. And I would have, if I had been treated slightly better, given her the seat. At that point though, it was pretty much to hell with the way I had been reared with goodness and I declared she could stand until she fell over from exhaustion...or death!

So, I got my haircut, obviously. Then I grabbed the other shit I needed. On my way back to the check-outs, this additional old woman in one of those super high-tech, high-seated joystick controlled wheelchairs came out of nowhere at high-speed, as though she was out of control and rammed right into the side of my cart slamming it into my hip. There was pain, but I didn't swear at her or anything, not even when she didn't even say she was sorry.

Out of nowhere, original old fucker appears and starts yelling at me again, telling me I should learn to respect my elders and be more careful. I was concerned at this point, any time I turned around he would be right behind me to yell and curse (oh, yes! there was plenty of cursing coming from his ancient mouth) at me for things I had little or nothing to do with really.

Finally, I checked out and got back to my SUV. I got inside and smoked a cigarette which then reminded me that I was running low. I started her up and headed for Kwik Trip, only to see that my least favorite old persons were now turning their boat car of Satan into the lot!

I literally stopped my car at Menards and waited for them to go the fuck away. I didn't want another run in with ancient cursing man. One good open-palmed swat from me could have taken his head clear off his shoulders and I didn't need to also go to jail for him!

I'd like to think that he was suffering from some kind of dementia that made him act this way. If that was the case though, he really had no business driving a car. So people, if you have old people you love, keep an eye on them, they could be a handful if left unsupervised!

Also, I have taken a vow that there will be no more venturing out on Wednesday mornings especially nowhere near Walmart or any other place (grocery store, etc.) where there may be hoardes of elderly folks shuffling (not running) amok!


Blogger Barbara said...

I applaud your restraint at not slapping his head off his shoulders.

I live in Phoenix Arizona and every winter we are beset by old folks escaping the snow - inundating our cities and making a mess of our streets and restaurants.

9:54 AM  

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