The Eve of The Daytona 500...

And Why Turning Left and Going in a Cirlce Isn't Really a Sport...

So, here we are on the eve of Nascar Nextel Cup's very first real race, the Daytona 500. Yes, I know this crap has been going on for the last week or so with all the time trials and qualifying and some small obnoxious and mostly irrelevant races and practices. I'm not your standard moron. However, I am a child of a family obsessed with auto-racing and happened to have married a fan.

I have been tortured with this red-neck so-called sport my entire life. My grandfather, now deceased, but mostly responsible worked pit crew and sometimes fire safety at the now called 'Milwaukee Mile' which I don't even think the Nextel guys even race at...ever. My mother grew up with people like Kyle Petty, Alan Kulwiki and Davey Allison (yes, I also know the latter two are dead. I actually went to one of their funerals. And the third, still living, should...go away...or at the very least, get a friggin' haircut).

I have never understood the fascination. I don't get it. It must be a girl thing...however, my mother is a really big race fan...so I don't really know. For the love of JP, even BEG's cat Schmutz is a Nascar fan, pawing the TV when she sees Jimmy Johnson...like she really knows who he is and follows his career, like a human.

Anyone can drive in a circle and turn left...or right depending on which race it is...but it's generally a left thing and the win generally goes to one of four or five hick idiots who couldn't get a clean word out of their mouth if their life depended on it (Seriously, one needs a Ward Burton to English dictionary to understand anything that comes out of this man's mouth along with a wet-nap to clean away the amount of saliva he flings forth when speaking). It's even easier to do this in the case of the restricter plate when everyone is basically starting from the same point. I don't see this as a sport since it's mostly based on chance and the only real danger is one of those red-neck farm boys dying in a fiery car-wreck. It's not like any one of them couldn't have died in a horrendous tractor accident...or something involving a combine.

I can follow it, for the most part...it is a little trickier to keep track of things now that Nextel seems to change the rules every ten seconds. I understand 'The Big Red Trailer' which I actually think is yellow now, Tony Stewart's thug ways (he's such a mook) and can for the most part tell you which driver is which from hearing them talk (here we are, right back at Ward Burton) or from seeing them on the screen.

Hell, I even have a driver to root for...Hermie Sadler. Of course, he never wins and most of the time doesn't even make it into the race, but at least I try. Plus, he used to drive the pink Zapf Doll car, which as a doll-maker and collector (yes, I know this is such a ridiculous girly thing for me to do, but hey, I am a girl and all) and that's just adorable. A grown man driving left in a circle in a pink car. Plus he's sort of workin' a Casey Affleck kind of appeal to me.

This is all from years and years of Sunday afternoons spent with this crap blaring on one TV or another in various locations. I never intentionally learned anything about Nascar, in fact, clearly I am not even a fan and am mostly against the entire idea of this so-called sport.

So, seeing as how tomorrow is 'the big kick-off' to a whole new set of rules (changed by the lovely folks at Nextel, of course) that I don't even understand, I decided I would put forth my list of things that would make Nascar more of sport/challenge and make it way more entertaining for those of us who now have trouble following Nextel's ridiculous changes...or just more entertaining in general...

#1 - Snakes on the track...

BTW: This picture really seems to get around seeing as how I found it on like 12 different blogs.

Put some snakes on the track, really really mean, hungry ones. They don't even have to be poisonous...just really slithery and evil and possible crafty enough to attack pit crews. Hell, why not just put them in the pits...the drivers are supposed to slow down anyway...

Plus, signs like this make the track more entertaining to read.

#2 - Hot, Flowing Lava...

Open the floodgates and let the lava flow. By all means, build a track in Hawaii. These boys have life way too easy. They don't have enough obstacles. Plus this would also mean more tire changes and more chances for footage of pit cew guys battling really mean, hungry snakes.

#3 - Tire Damaging Spikes and Nails...

Adding spikes like the ones pictured above, a variety of nails and screws and maybe even some of those wrong-way tire slashers you find at airports and stuff would mean more wrecked cars and wrecked tires. Fun for the whole family and again, more chances to see the crews fighting snakes in the pits.

#4 - Oil Slicks...

Pour some Penzoil or Mobil on the track and take in all the slip-slidin' action. Hell, this could turn into the official slip n' slide of Nascar, which is just fine cause it means more money and they seem to have an official 'one' of everything.

#5 - Snipers...

Snipers hiding in the bush and in the stands, shooting at the drivers. This would be like a CNN junkie's dream come true. Who doesn't want to see your weasel-faced Gordon types dodging sniper bullets for the win? I know I do.

#6 - Hitchhikers & Hop-Ons...

Toss in some people trying to get somewhere or people who just want an easy free ride and viola! you have 'Extreme Hitchhiking'...a whole new sport to capitalize on. Plus I think it would be hilarious to see someone try to jump onto car going upwards of two hundred miles an hour. Just remember to hang on tight!

#7 - Chinese Fire Drills...

I think the drivers should be required to get out of the car every...seventeeth lap and run around the car. Commotion! Commotion! Commotion! Alternately it would also be hilarious if they had to get out and swap cars at random. Since no one seems to have any clue what's going on anyway, does it really matter if Earnhardt Jr. is in the #8 car or not? Let someone else take the burden of a famous father for a few laps...it's not like they take that long anyway.

There are, of course, many other possibilities. These are obviously just a few. Stand-up comic Kathleen Madigan who is hilarious, has suggested in the past that they move the beer stands to the infield so spectators can see the drunks trying to cross the track to get beer. I'm right there with that plan also. Makes it more fun for the fans, really gets them involved.

So, for now, I say farewell, so I can compose a list of things I'd rather be doing tomorrow than watching the race and for many, many Sundays after that. Fans, I hope it's a thriller and non-fans, I'm so sorry you have to endure this holy day torture. Lata - K