Thursday, January 19, 2006

This @!*# Is Bananas...

B-A-N...A-N...A-S!

Dear Mrs. Stefani-Rossdale,

I am writing to remind you, as you seem to have completely forgotten, YOU ARE A WHITE GIRL FROM ANAHEIM! Furthermore, you are a white woman married to a white man, British no less, and you are expecting your first child.

This is all good. We love Gavin and want you two to have babies like crazy! Of course we'd also like to see Gavin...naked...alot...But that's a talk we'll have some other time.

You are NOT, I repeat, NOT black (Or Asian for that matter). You are not from 'Da Hood'. Your skin is hella pale and no matter how many gangsta rappers you hang with, you will always be white. Even the brown guy you dated for so long wasn't black...

Tony Kanal of No Doubt is of East Indian decent and lived the first twelve years or so of his life in England and then moved to California with his parents in 1981. Not black. More English than anything else! What's up with Gwen and the British boys?

It was adorable for a while, your taking the time to embrace modern, African-American culture ...and hair-dos. Your fans have kept quiet and have cut you the slack for your journey, for whatever reasons you may have had for starting it. I, myself, suspect that large stacks of cash were what caused you to take the first steps. Anyway, some of them even still buy your records.

It was even cute when you started your own clothing line...how P-Diddy of you...and hanging around with your weird Asian posse, The Harajuku Girls...

...who by the way completely freak me out! I am so confused on this one and have so many questions that I don't even know where to start. All I really know for certain is that they go where you do and sometimes they wear mouse ears. I imagine you're trying to be obscure in the public eye, stranger than strange in a low-key high maintenance kind of way. Monotony for those expected to be crazy but still missing the mundane consistences of a normal life.

My friend, BEG wonders if they are your own personal Asian Girl Menudo. If this is true, I imagine we'll be seeing one of them later on as a Latino song & dance superstar...Yes, I know they are female and Asian, but I also imagine them to have magical powers in this Menudo/Ricky Martin scenario.

Regardless, P-Diddy by the way has a posse/entourage! He is black. He's a pimp!

You know what, Gwen? Your not P-Diddy, or whatever it is he's calling himself these days! You're not even Don King...although, your hair is sometimes reminiscent...

See what I mean?

It has been suggested that your time with R&B singer Eve is to blame. It has even been said that Eve is like the gateway (drug) to blackness. I tend to believe this true, but 'Rich Girl' is still a great song.

Let's see...This is the progression of events...

Oh, so wholesome and cuddley.

Still wholesome, hangin' out with Larissa Oleynik. Who's more wholesome than 'Alex Mack'?

You got a little angsty when you and Tony broke up, but it was still completely adorable seeing as how you're a while girl from Anaheim and all. Just thought I would remind you again.

You got thru your angst and came back with excellent pink hair. Very old school Gwen. Awesome!

And none of us will ever forget the glam.

ENTER EVE and the release of 'Rich Girl'.

And then the addition of your weird, little Asian posse. What's up with them? I just don't get it. They haunt my dreams...

Then...KABOOM...You're all sorts of Ghetto. Screen-printing the bling right on to the clothes I see. Well, who has the time to put on a necklace any way, a large, heavy one no less. Wow, you're probably saving yourself from suffering from neck-strain caused by wicked weighty bling. Anyway, I wouldn't have used this particular picture except for the irony in my having found it on blackvoices.aol.com. See where I'm going with this? See how far your faux blackness has spread?

Yep, it pretty much seems like innocent looking Eve is the culprit...and thus, is the gateway (drug). Although, at this rate, it seems more like you want to be Alicia Keys...you even got the hat part right...

I have taken the time to see what you would look like and have tried this out for you...it did not go well as you'll see. Brown does not look good on you...Plus, Alicia Keys...NOT BLACK!!! Well, OK, she's half...but that's still way more than your not at all, except for in the scary picture below...

Now that we've covered your descent into black magic, your wiggerness if you will, we'll move on to the consequenes from such behavior...

1.) You're makin' Gavin look bad...

This is how Gavin should look. This is how we like to see Gavin. Well, really, we'd like to see him nude as mentioned earlier, but once again, still a story for another time...

Either way, naked or clothed, this is how you're makin' him look, like some trailer-dwelling, drunken country bumpkin! And we just can't have our Gavin lookin' like poor, white trash. He's British!

2.) You're about to be a mother. This, left un-checked, could end in the result of your naming said offspring something insane like 'Bling-Bling Kashmir' Stefani, or 'Colt .45' Rossdale. Go back to the boys of No Doubt and give the baby a proper name befitting his or her British-American heritage. Maybe something like Ethel or Mildred for a girl or something of the like for a son.

You will not be raising a future pimp. The baby will be just as white as you and your pastey, and stil ungoldy hot, English husband. This world doesn't need Ali G. the sequel either.

Stop before you start gold-capping your teeth, and don't worry if your cravings for watermelon and fried chicken linger. It's probably just pregnancy cravings and not a sign from above telling you that you really are black...cause you're not!

3.) You're only making yourself look foolish at this point. No one's buying it anymore. It was fun for a while, but as mentioned earlier in my letter, but now, it's time to stop 'The Gwen Train to South Central. Take out the brightly colored cornrows and go back to The Tragic Kingdom.

In conclusion, Gwen, we loved the ska. Even the punk phase was a good rip-roarin' time. Once again, you're not P-Diddy, Don King, Alicia Keys, Asian, etc. You're not black. The only person whiter than you is Marylin Manson! Please go back to Cali and get the band back together...

Also, I now know way more about the freak-show that is you than I ever intended to!

P.S. On the same note, could we please get Mariah Carey some much-needed liposuction? And could someone please tell Chris Cornell that's he's not Bruce Springsteen?

6 Comments:

Blogger Black Eyed Gurl said...

Remember when River was made of Chocolate. I think in that one pic Gwen is made of chocolate. OMG, I love you, this is why we are best friends!

11:49 AM  
Blogger IvoryValentine said...

I was literally awake all night again. Fruits of this sleep deprivation were of course this most hilarious letter to our dear, Gwen and now the dogs have a new gigantic octagon shaped dog bed that in the end required 30 pieces and twice stitched seams for tear protection! But the godforsaken thing is done and out of the way!

12:43 PM  
Blogger Ms_S1n1n said...

I couldn't sleep either and was so bored. I came here and "YAY..new post!"

You and BEG win my award, "Saviors of Boredom at 3am" for each posting something nice, long and perfectly entertaining.

I curtsy before you both.

2:37 PM  
Blogger slyght said...

this is a pretty funny blog. found it through blogexplosion. i'll have to come back more often to check things out.

zac

4:05 AM  
Anonymous ChunkyBustout said...

You really need to buy a vowel because you don't have a clue. If you don't like her, just say so and move on. Your judgement of Gwen Stefani really makes you look juvenile and superficial. Why not talk about things you know instead of things you assume?

2:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mr. chinky busted,

you're negativity is not welcome here. i was just over by your highly publicized, well read blog. hmmmmmm. i came up with some hypothesis. i'll let you figure out how i came up with them.

h#1) the job you were on your way to, which i guess you haven't held on to this long, was either retail, or fast food.

h#2) the computer you're using was given to you by your rich aunt, the lesbian, whose trying to take you under her wing.

h#3) the car you were driving, probably a small shitbox, you didn't feel safe doing more than fifty, traffic or not.

h#4) you spend most of your time looking behind you, instead of looking ahead, this would apply to you goals, driving, professional life (or lack there of,) and relationships.

hope to see you in a dark alley.

7:31 PM  

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