Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Strange Love...

Or Alternately, Why Does My Dog Love Tyra Banks???

This is a story of a love stranger than that of Foofy-Woofy Flava Flav and Gita...

So, when I get up in the morning, I usually turn on the TV (Not strange at all. I imagine many folks do this.) and if Headline News, which is the channel that goes on when the TV goes on, doesn't have anything entertaining on, I change it to VH1. Often times when they stop playing the very few over-hyped music videos that they actually play, I am already totally involved in something and I forget to change the channel. Since I continue to not really pay attention or do but don't have time to take care of it...ever, VH1 ends up staying on the TV until like 2 in the afternoon when I habitually change to The Hallmark Channel to watch back-to-back episodes of 'Little House The Prairie' (This is a whole different weirdness I don't really want to talk about right now).

If this was your FX, or TNT or even Hallmark kind of channel, this wouldn't present such a problem...well, not even problem, really, just immense strangeness between my 18 month old Golden Retriever, Angus and one, Tyra 'Big Boobs' Banks. Those channels at least play ancient mundane TV and seriously, sappy crap movies...I swear there's a new Hallmark Channel original movie every twenty seconds or so...and none of them, if you can imagine this, are original...or still better, believable. But still, 'Murder She Wrote' and nine hours of 'Mash' everyday aren't going to hurt anyone.

VH1 on the other hand plays things like 'Celebrity Fit Club 3' for like an hour a day where you can Young MC and Chastity Bono work together to sheds some serious poundage and mock Gunner Nelson (Or alternately watch Gunner freak out about getting what was basically a hair trimming), and 'Inside Out - Kimora Lee Simmons' where you can watch Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons little girls Ming and Ioke do things like throw away expensive silverware because they have absolutely no concept of what things are worth because their parents give them everything they want when they want it...and pick their noses.

I have no problems with either of these shows or any of the many other like them aired on VH1. I find them both to be quite entertaining. Although, I do sometimes wonder why they haven't gotten that one guy whose left from Milli Vanilli and someone like...Leif Garrett to do a show where they live together, all odd couple style. Why haven't they given Leif Garrett a show yet? That man is money in the bank. And I still have yet to see 'Remaking Donny Osmond' (Isn't it just about time for him to try to make another come back all Soldier of Love style), but this is not the point!

Strangely though, and I don't have a problem with this show either (I can ignore anything), they will also play all-day marathons of 'America's Next Top Model'. This means hour after hour of half naked girls prancing around supposedly for a future modeling contract with Tyra 'HOLY HOOTERS!!!' Banks as their ringmaster. Herein lies the immense strangeness that I have been charting.

Such days when they play this show, like the last two days for instance, start out like any other day - Dogs runningin amok and making a lot of noise to a VH1 soudtrack filled with a little Beyonce and a whole lot of hawking their 'You Oughta Know' Artists to the point you buy said artists CD just to get the songs out of your head. It's like mind control...well, it is mind control...until it's time for the spree of Tyra and her boobs to begin. As soon as it starts, Angus stops whatever psyhotic-puppy activity he's invovled in, crawls up on the couch and actually watches the entire marathon from beginning to end (Or until 2 pm when 'Little House' is on) and does not move. No, I have witnessed this enough times to know, he is not sleeping.

Not only does he watch Tyra and knockers, he occasionally salivates a gigantic puddle where he lays, tongue hanging out of mouth and howls at the big TV as though he is serenading her with romantic, nails-on-the-chalk-board style, puppy crooning.

Now, let me tell you, this dog is generally nothing but energy and naughty all day, but as soon as Tyra pops up on the screen he is all about the trance state. He gets all googley-eyed and quiet like Tyra is his guru or some shit like that.

I have no troubles with this...except for the fact that I hear a lot of things like Janis Dickinson making her self out to be more than she is or ever was. In fact, I enjoy the fact that Tyra makes a good puppy-sitter. I just don't understand it.

Why does the dog love Tyra so? Why does this only work with her on 'America's Next Top Model'? Why doesn't her talk show affect him in the same way? I just don't get it!

Is it the fact that she barely wears anything? Or the fact that she seems to constantly be over-reacting to everything, or over-acting as it probably really is? She is quite the drama-queen, but I guess some people will do anything to make a buck (look at Anna Farris' career).

It's actually gotten to the point now where he reacts to her hearing her name. I say 'Tyra' and he tilts his head the same way he does when I say 'Peanut Butter', which is the thing he loves most in the world. Is Tyra just as good as peanut butter? Is she just as nutty?



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