Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Stop Mocking Me HB!

A candy catastrophe already in progress...

Why is it so friggin' hard to get into a Kit Kat these days. Well, first off they changed the wrapping from the old, foil with paper around it way, which was already tolerable and really didn't need to be changed (tree-huggers, sorry, but I would trade some trees for candy. I like candy), to this very shiny plastic crap that it is damned near impossible to tear. It actually stretches when you pull on it. You have to get a blow torch and a ski mask just to get into the thing and by then you've already wrecked the candy and you're probably standing in a room that wreaks of burnt chocolate...and that's just not a good smell. Really, this new wrapping is not helping me get to the candy in a timely fashion and sometimes a girl just needs a crispy wafer in milk chocolate to go with her daily viewing of 'Beverly Hills 90210' on Soapnet. I love that I have this channel and also that they play this show. It's a sickness I think. Can't help but love the dramatically quick twists and turns of the modern day, soap opera...the shows seem like they're Madlibs for romatics. Hilarious! It's like, "Jenny was in a skyscraper when suddenly there was a goat at the door and a glue bottle was stealing her cousin Tony's baby from Harlem". I cannot believe it! This Kit Kat is still not open! Someone get me a chainsaw and a lobster trap. In the time it's taken me to open this, I could have eaten the actual cat...Boo even, and he weighs fifty pound (BTW: I love the picture to the upper left). Finally, with the help of the kitchen scissors I have gotten into the candy...and it ain't so pretty. I'll still eat them though. That was what this was all about wasn't it...getting the candy. Mmm, Kit Kat! I swear I am totally going to write a strongly-worded letter to H.B. Reese Candy Co. in regards to my disappointment with their choices in candy peddling...the first rule pf which is, or at least should be...MAKE IT EASY & FAST TO GET INTO (no one gains the kind of happiness candy brings by just hanging out with it and knowing they have it)! It'll be something to the effect of...

Dear H.B. Reese Candy Co.,
I am writing in regards to the really harsh shit you've done to the wrappers of your very tasty candies. You have now made it nearly impossible to enjoy the crisp, chocolatey goodness of a Kit Kat. The crappy new wrapping, which I think is some form of new government plastic that cannot be breached even if it was wrapped in explosives and I handed the trigger over to someone with a twitch (that would be entertaining though.) is not something you can just tear into easily. I don't like the idea of having to wage war against candy. Also, I don't necessarily enjoy the idea of befriending and going to war with a guy with a twitch. I understand that the old way with the foil and paper was also not something that could just be torn into, but at least that was just two flaps, one with a just a little dab of glue, and with the shawdy quality of the glue you've been using the last couple years, there was no challenge at all. In the time it took me to get to the candy, most of which was spent snarling and cursing at the candy and heartily tugging on the wrapper, often in the spot you suggest, I also had to take a trip to the kitchen to get the scissors to enjoy candy that I had sitting right in front of me. Candy people, I shouldn't have to get up from my desk and walk across the house the long way just to have crisp wafers in milk chocolate when they're already on my desk. And to top it all off and basically kick the dirt of candy deprivation in my face just one more time, you have actually printed on the wrapper a series of white arrows with the phrase, 'Tear Here'. Your mocking me H.B. and I really don't like it. Also, could you please stop coating things in white chocolate. They don't sell well. A lot of people only say they like white chocolate, for appearances I guess. Keep coating your famous canides in white chocolate and eventually, it will bankrupt you (financially. I imagine the morals of your company have been gone for quite a long while now). And where will we get out candy goodness from then? Shady dealers in dark alleys? $50.00 for a bar? You don't want to be responsible for creating the next CRACK do you? I didn't think so.


Blogger J. Hatch said...

Chocolatey Goodness! Hooray for the Chocolatey Goodness!

10:28 PM  
Blogger Black Eyed Gurl said...

OMG, girl, this is precisely why I love you (and the chocolate covered wafers of yum). ROFL, and much adoration!

1:40 PM  
Blogger baby and kids said...

yummy, yumm
ii like your blog
& funny pic :)
keep bloog

4:07 PM  

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