Live Birth Under Water...

[83 is an excellent number. I like the way it looks. Sorry about that.]

So, here's the second installment of, "Sometimes, My Mom Just Scares the Crap Of Me" (Remember the last time...when she sent me the picture of the dress made all of unwrapped condoms and I had oh, so many unanswerable questions? Ahh, special times.)...Or what I am now calling...since we're right on top of it, "Happy Mother's Day Mom! Sometimes, You Really Scare the Crap Out of Me".

I was sitting here, thinking about what I should do. I figured it should be something good and productive seeing as how I've been up for quite some time now and have not accomplished one single thing all damned day. I was watchin' some 'Little House', pokin' around the internet...pretty much the same old, same old.

I went to check in on my e-mail, one of the few things I've bided my time with today and there it is, an e-mail from my mother...with an attachment. I opened it, thinking that it would be something lame and very nearly 47 year old-ish humor. That's the sort of thing she generally sends and it's because she has a mailing list, like many people, that I, like so many others out there, get to be right at the top of simply because I am her offspring. She's careless with the internet and thus is why I pay the fine Norton anti-virus people to protect me.

It was a video clip, but I had to click through an astounding number of 'forwards' just to get to what essentially amounted to a public television played commercial with a man waking up 'the morning after' in a cage at the zoo to find a monkey humping his leg and spanking his ass. Apparently, this was all the result of the man having had too much beer the night before and something about how he should have had root-beer instead. This commercial was for IBC Root Beer, or whatever the fuck it's called.

First I wondered what's with the man and the monkey? Was this supposed to make me want a frothy, cold root-beer? Never once in my life have these to things ever even crossed my mind in reference to root-beer.

And what the hell happened to public television. Had they lost their minds? Did they think sex could sell root-beer to their viewers and thus make them a good chunk of change in the Ad Dept.? Couldn't they have just had another pledge show/auction? BEG would buy stuff. And what were they thinking in getting this ad...an ad that clearly is all wrong and improperly geared, especially on their station?

This concept will never win over the beer drinkers. They will not switch from beer to root-beer just as they aren't likely to switch from ESPN to PBS anytime soon. Secondly, IBC people, they will not switch to root-beer because continuing to drink beer might mean they will wake up from a black-out to find a monkey humping their legs.

Beer drinkers would go to the zoo to taunt the monkeys into humping their legs for the sheer fun of it. No real beer drinker wakes up from a black-out in the zoo. The beer drinker had already been their to rile up the monkeys long before this jack-ass. The beer drinker is already gone and on his way to Der Waffle Haus to meet his stinky, grubby friends to go wading through the mucky swamp all morning. And no real beer drinker watches public television anyway.

Hardcore root-beer drinkers watch public television, IBC in particular. So IBC you're trying to appeal to a market you already have. The commercial should have been a dorky guy waking up with a hot chick to remember, because he had root-beer and not beer the night before, exactly how he got there. Root-beer drinkers remember things, which is exactly what the original commercial expressed in it's sort of terrifying way.

But, in the end, there was the fact that it was funny and I could see why it was out there floating around in my mother's reach...and finally, why she had e-mailed it to everyone she's ever possessed an e-mail address for.

A little while later though, I was still slacking and dropped in on my e-mail again to see what was goin' on. I got another e-mail from mom. It also had an attachement, but this time, there was cause for concern. This new e-mail was sent only to me...

She does this occassionally, sends me something she doesn't send to anyone else and it's usually the most peculiar crap she could come up with and generally has me worried for her safety. I'm tellin' ya, that condom dress was on the very low craziness end of the wacko scale. Often times, these e-mails have me wondering if I should get her a helmet and a bus pass just in case.

I can tell you this also, the second e-mail's attachment is also a video clip and that I haven't watched it yet because I'm still stuck back at the title...'Live Birth Under Water'. God only knows what the hell it could be. Knowing my mother, it could actually be a live underwater birth...and that's just not something I need to see. So, for now, I live in speculation.

Happy Mother's Day, mom. Be surpised when you open that box and see the helmet and bus pass!