Christmas Wrap & The Idiots Around Me...

So, there was Christmas. It came up quick. Was over quick. And now feels like it was never here at all...with the exception of the fact that if I look off to my left I can see my Christmas tree which still has presents under it.

I'm glad to report that hubby is still alive and there hasn't been the need for amputations. He still has about four days to go on rabies watch, but I'm thinking it's very unlikely the cat had rabies. The bite has mostly healed, thanks to the healing powers of Neosporin and my paranoia running amok.

Hubby's healing feral cat bite.

Last Saturday, we went out of the house to buy each other Christmas presents. This did not go well, seeing as how we left together, in the same truck and went to all the same places together. We went everywhere and came up with mostly nothing, with the exception of the fact that at a used video game store at the mall, I got BEG the first three seasons of "Newlyweds - Nick & Jessica" and got to chat with an adorable gay boy behind the counter of said store about Nick Lachey's utter dreaminess and how said boy would like to meet a boy named Ashely or Courtney. I actually know two boys named Courtney...one of which is gay and decided to enlighten store boy with this knowledge. He seemed quite interested.

Needless to say, hubby bought me a yoga mat (this is mostly due to the rugburn I got and have been complaining about for a couple weeks when I lost my balance while yoga-ing ang biffed up my elbow on the living room area rug) and he got a power inverter for his truck. Woo-hoo! What an exchange! We also got lunch at Chipolte.

Shortleash, still pissed about the noisy expensive toys I got Little Miss Maddy for Christmas, brought over his key. Apparently I was elected to be back-up to Fatass & Eyeball in watching his house and pets for a week. He claimed Fatass was suppposed to show up on Sunday. I remembered when the circus-freak babies were born in August and Fatass was supposed to be entrusted with Little Miss Maddy and everything else and showed up way late so I really wasn't holding my breath on his prompt arrival.

Hubby and I watched 'Serenity'. It seemed like a good thing to do on Christmas Eve and then we crashed.

Sunday was obviously Christmas. We were supposed to be at my mother's house by 1pm. She lives an hour away, I didn't get up until quarter to ten...needless to say, we weren't gonna make it in time.

Anyway, I was going to dress up, like with a skirt and all, but I decided to forgo that for jeans and stuff. I found that my wonderful cat Walter had yakked on the jeans I wanted to wear. This pissed me off especially since I damned near froze my ass off looking for another pair that would fit properly enough with the new weight-loss so my mother and everyone else would keep their mouths shut.

On the way to my mother's, which is a long trip, hubby and I were talking about how Fatass still hadn't arrived to tend to the Shortleash house and pets. Hubby then commented out of nowhere, that he thinks Shortleash has a crush on me. What the hell am I supposed to say to that? It's not like it would be within my control. Anway, his reasoning for this is that when Shortleash comes over, he is always sweet to me and barely ever says anything to him.

First off, hubby is not a talker. He's not a social butterfly. He doesn't say anything really and gets the same in return.

Second, if the SWEET thing is going to be on the list of reasons he thinks Shortleash has a crush on me, he might as well add the rest of the damned men in the neighborhood to the list. They're all sweet to me. I am a great cook and I feed them constantly (cooking for an army was a trait I inherited from my mother) and I also bake a lot of cookies. As far as they're concerned I might as well be the best thing to ever happen to Park Ave...and I'm pretty sure all their wives and significant others are well aware of it at this point. I'm like the control group they all get compared to.

Anyway, we finally got to my mother's at about quarter to two. Everyone else was already there.

I apparently didn't do such a great job with hiding my new anorexic Nicole Richie look since I got lectured by both female aunts, both grandmothers (the paternal one wasn't even supposed to be there) and my mother. Then my mother sees the sweater I was wearing, which is one of my favorites and says, "I almost bought you a sweater like that!" To which I replied, "You bought this one." She's such a scatter-brain sometimes...or is it that she's bought me about fifty thousand sweaters in my lifetime?

My dumb fat aunt knitted me the coolest scarf. She knitted them for all the ladies in the time that could have been better used to clean her house and tend to her bratty red-headed children, but mine is the best. All the other ladies got winter scarves to like wear with their coats and mittens and such. Mine is more decorative. Anyway, it's cool and I wore it all day to which hubby so assholishly remarked, "Wow, someone gave you something that you actually like!" I wanted to smack him, but since it was Christmas, I didn't.

Also, my gay uncle, newly a total bastard called me stuck-up. I wanted to smack him too since he is the last person on the planet who should be calling anyone stuck-up. It was sort of a pot calling the kettle black situation especially since he and I are the most alike (Except he's more girly and drama-queen). We even look alike and as a kid, without a father, I spent a lot of time with him as my male influence (no wonder I'm so fucked up - I have a very vivid memory of his also gay old roomate, yeah the one who testified in the Dahmer trial, busting into the loft at 3 in the morning with me asleep on the pull-out bed, waking me up at age nine and asking me if I wanted to go to the I.H.O.P.) and everyone thought I was his kid. Anyway, I didn't hit him either seeing as how I was under the delusion that the holiday was better spent without blood-shed, police and trips to the ER!

After everyone left, hubby got roped into playing video games with my younger bother and I helped my mother clean up. Then we loaded up some more of my left-behind when we moved crap and got the hell out of there. We got home to find that Fatass & Eyeball still had yet to show up and free the Shortleash dogs, so hubby went to take care of them and check on things.

Hubby still had off work on Monday. I intended to do some more primer work in my living room but ran out of painter's tape. Also, when moving the 1 floor lamp in my living room I realized the lamp shades on it were busted...probably because the thing has been moved twenty-seven million times in the last year. Plus Fatass & Eyeball still hadn't shown up.

We went out and got some more painter's tape, knee-socks I didn't already have and some for BEG. Also bought some more candles. We got lamp shades that I actually liked (hadn't been too crazy about the old ones, even before they were broken).

We got back home. I tried out the lamp shades. They didn't fit. Off by just a little. I was pissed and had a momentary temper-tantrum. Then I intended to get back to primering my living room walls. I got a sliver I couldn't get out and still haven't gotten out so I have god knows what living in my hand (all I do know is that is came from behind the radiator and it hurt like a bitch). I attempted to run it under cold water so I could just gauge it out but alas, when I turned it on, no water came out. This sent hubby on a rage path since he had just replaced all the parts in the damned thing the previous weekend (it's now Thursday of course and there's still no water in the kitchen).

Fatass & Eyeball finally showed up about 3:30 pm. I declared my back-up-ness over and done, seeing as how Shortleash's house tend to invoke my choking and nausea. It's very untidy and when I ever go over there, it's for about ten minutes and then I flee for the comfort of my own home and clean air. Let's just say that Shortleash and Co are in for a really big, scary lecture about how appalled I am others are by the way they keep their house.

Also, never by Duck brand blue painter's masking tape. It's shitty and doesn't stick to anything...not even itself!

Tuesday, I went out with the intention of returning the non-fitting lampshades and getting other ones. I left the house without them though and then ended up at a different store where I spent the better part of three hours looking at just about everything and buying stuff I really didn't intend to buy.

We're having both a New Year's Eve Party (with friends) and a New Year's Day party (with friends and family) so I got some stuff for that. I also seemed to have invited adorable Open Pantry guy to the first of the party's...this was more for BEG's benefit since she likes the tall ones and because I was very close to losing my mind by the time I stumbled into the gas station for cigarettes.

Yesterday, I think I also invited my UPS guy. BEG has decided that if they show up and people ask who they are, we'll just tell them that they are the service men in my life. And also if they need anything heavy moved or need gas and cigarettes, we'll point people in their direction.

Last night, after having spent all day primering another portion of my living room, I took up residence on the couch with some cappuchino and wrote resumed working on my Firefly Fanfic, which has been very ignored lately. Of course I also, did 2 'Dammit, Dick!' cartoons for 'The Deux' and decided that one of these days I really should get back to working on the TV show BEG and I have been working on for about a year now. It's also been ignored.

My living room, which techinically used to be three separate rooms and was not turned into one by us, now looks strange to me with the most of the paneling primered. I'm so used to it being dark paneling. I wonder what it will look like when there's actually color on the walls, since hubby is now reformed to the 'color' plan after seeing it stark white! I win!

So, that was the first of the holidays. Nothing too special. So, I direct you to http://pluralofapocalypsedeux.blogspot.com/ for the latest installment of 'Dammit Dick'. The third, a bonus installment will be posted there tomorrow sometime!

Also, I've apparently been 'tagged' or some shit...so stay tuned for my figuring that one out...

Merry Christmas!

Or, Feral Cats & Possible Merry Christmas Amputations...

So, we trapped an angry feral cat. It wasn't the pregnant one we were trying to capture to save her and the babies from freezing to death in the Wisconsin winter weather. We also couldn't take the damned thing to the humane society when we caught it because it was closed so, we let the thing out of the trap in an empty bedroom upstairs and baited the trap again to try to capture mommy-to-be cat. This I suppose was the first mistake.

The angry kitty was upstairs all week cause first, I forgot it was even up there (mistake #2) and then I fed and watered it when I remembered she was up there. Then, we captured another cat in the trap, also not the cat we were trying to get. I tried to get my barn door open to get my SUV out, but it got stuck on ice and wouldn't open any further or close again (This is something that happens a lot).

Finally, yesterday, hubby was off of work and we gathered up cat in the trap and put her in the truck and then had to deal with getting angry kitty into a carrier to take her as well. First off, this is a Tortie cat that blends very well with the color of the tile upstairs. I couldn't find her.

Found her and hubby put on some leather gloves and his thick winter coat and tried to grab her and get her into a carrier (a carrier now too small for my cats). This would have been mistake #3, seeing as how after much much clammering around and angry cat noise in and upstairs where everything echoes, the little bitch managed to bite hubby all the way through the leather glove and actually broke the skin.

So, then there was a required police report (mind you, we waited about an hour with three calls to the police before they finally showed up) and other assorted paperwork you have to fill out with the humane society when you've been bitten by a feral cat. And now we're left waiting for the next ten days to find out if the damned thing had rabies or not. This is a paranoid person's worst nightmare let me tell you.

I'm looking at his bite and up his harm every two hours and asking him how he feels. I think he's mostly aggravated by it at this point. So, here's to hoping we don't need to have him arm amputated and that he doesn't have rabies cause that would really suck!

In other happenings and such...

#1 - I have big plans to be both stranger and funkier in the coming year. I'm looking forward to more celebration of 'Kitch' (BEG, there might need to be more adventures where we purchase things like monkey candles for $8 each just because of their kitch-factor and because they smell good) and wearing a lot of crazy knee-socks. I'm knee-sock insane now if you hadn't noticed!

#2 - Everyone is saying something about The Wikipedia these days. I've read a gazillion and one blog posts about it and have actually been sent e-mails with Wikipedia discussion. People, leave the poor Wikipedia alone. It's like a retarded kid that doesn't know any better. And let's face it, Brittanica never calls or visits. I repeat, Wikipedia is a lonely, retarded child that needs our love!

#3 - Beauty pageants for cats where your cat wears a costume are NOT cool! If you are a person like this, you should be put in a costume and pummbled by angry citizens circling you with sacks of rotten oranges. Your cat doesn't enjoy these activities. In fact, your cat would kill you and eat your face off in ten seconds flat if it thought it had a chance and if it could move properly. But thanks to you, big, fat Whiskers is dressed like a poofy, fairy princess 'round the clock!

#4 - People of Southeastern WI, thought they would be having a white Christmas with all the snow that's been falling however the temp rise to 34 degrees and the new falling rain seem to be beating the shit out of that theory. So now we'll be having a dirty, gross, wet Christmas instead!

#5 - I was sitting here just now and it occured to me that BEG really uses the world around her. She utilizes resources well. She's grubby with information and grabbing for more constantly. She's so alive and brilliant and I wouldn't have her any other way.

And then of course, the truly sappiest song ever, the words, "People let me tell you 'bout my best friend" popped into my head and I had the great urge to yell, "Regulators!", but I didn't because hubby and the dogs aren't nearly as amused by this as BEG.

There was literally a montage in my head. A fucking montage of our friendship. See how derailed and delusional I get sometimes. I get distracted walking from my desk to the bathroom!

Anway, everyone, have a fantabulous whatever holiday you celebrate (Christmas/Chaunakuh/Kwanza/etc.). I hope everyone gets to spend some time with their loved ones or even their not-so loved ones and is full of good cheer for the new year!

P.S. If anyone knows where I can procure the movie 'Holiday Inn' on DVD for a decent price, please let me know. I found 'White Christmas', but it seems naked without the other one!

You Still Have Time People!

There are officially four days til X-mas, the fourth day being Christmas. That's still plenty of time to sit and look at the things you've purchased as Christmas gifts. You have time to sit and dwell and fret over whether you got person X the exact right Culture Club CD. You still have the time to change your mind and run back to the store to exchange said gift and go to ten others after in search of the perfect present.

Let's face it. Things sometimes are really adorable and wonderful in the store and you go all ga-ga and gush over them. Sometimes, these very things change on you once they're out of the store and sitting right in front of you for a couple days. Sometimes, you get them home and they just...suck. No one wants to get a sweater for Christmas and even fewer want to get a sweater one size too big with Santa's big, fucking face poofing out of it all 3D style, this also goes for sweaters that require batteries.

Is there a really spoiled kid in the family? Did you buy something for said child/children and now your sitting there thinking they just don't deserve to have anything else...ever. You will continue to buy this child/children gifts for their birthdays and Christmas. You can't help that. But this year and for all else, keep the gifts and play with the toys yourself.

Does queer uncle so-and-so really need that bird-watching equiptment you got on clearance at the second hand sporting goods store just because it seemed like it would be great and give him something to do with binoculars other than watch the always naked teenage girl across the alley? No he doesn't. In fact, so-and-so needs you to make a Christmas call to a good mental health facility, or perhaps even the police.

No matter what your mother says, she is NOT overjoyed with your renewing her subscription to Ladies Home Journal. It makes her feel old and she resents you for it and for the fact that you're so young. She's not even reading it. Cancel it immediately and head to the local porn store. The woman needs a vibrator and she'll stop wanting to kill herself...and make sure it's a really good one. It may seem gross or strange buying a vibrator for your mother, but it will keep her happy and off your back and you'll be a lot happier without her on your back. Get her a toy and she may never bother you about when you're gonna get married or have babies ever again.

I love my paternal grandfather. Every year he tells us exactly what he wants, nothing more, nothing less. It's basically the same every year as well as sometimes there's something new he sees or my grandmother has changed her mind about what he can eat. This is the list...

1. 2-Flannel Shirts, green pefered, nothing with blue. Grandpa hates blue.
2. Mixed nuts (Hazel nuts, Walnuts, etc.). Grandpa loves nuts...but grandma only lets him have them at Christmas.
3. Either 'Thin Mints' or 'Andies Candies'. These are things he only gets to have at Christmas as well. What can I say? Grandpa has a bad ticker and that turned grandma into a food Nazi.
4. 1-Tin Danish Butter Cookies. The small tin, not the huge Christmas tin with the chocolate dipped cookies.

He's a simple man of few words. He has simple needs and he's very direct.

Grandma on the other hand, I never know what the hell to get her, or my maternal grandmother for that matter. Paternal grandmother collects tiny spoons from strange places for the refridgerator. I have given her so many of these already from all my strange travels (tiny spoons from raves, tiny spoon from the strip club I spent a good amount of my honeymoon in, etc.) and she needs another one like I need my eyes stapled shut. She has a big fat ass from spending her entire life right up until retirement in a kitchen all day for work and in her home kitchen cooking for her husband and sometimes other family and friends...so I know she doesn't need any Danish Butter Cookies or Andies Candies. Someone already very laughably gave her a treadmill and Gramps bought her a stationary bike at some point, so I'm guessing a gym membership would be pretty goddamned futile. So, I have no fucking idea.

Maternal grandmother...also of the big fat ass and not in need of cookies and candy and she's a member or Weightwatchers or some shit like that. This one is also an evil bitch, but she's nice and sneaky about it. You never see the bitch until it's already reared it's ugly head. I try to avoid this one for the pure fact that since I was like 16 and dated a cuban boy she and I have not been able to spend more that twenty minutes in the same place without some kind of battle erupting. For some reason, I still feel obligated to by her something nice for Christmas. I imagine it's because if she wasn't ever here, I wouldn't be here. So, again, I have no thoughts.

BUT THERE'S STILL TIME PEOPLE!!!

There's still time run out and get your people gifts they actually want, keep the gifts you got for people you now think don't deserve them, buy crap gifts for people just because the thing made you think of them, and buy spiteful gifts for people you don't particulary like but feel obligated to give to.

Jewish Research Mission Part 2...

So, here I was sitting at my PC as usual and returning to my research on Jewish products and things, mostly for the benefit of KinkyPoe now, since she is the leg of 'The Tripod' semi-involved with a Jew. Plus, there's still mockery potential and actually a lot to learn about our Hebrew friends.

Newest Jewish Toy...

It's the 'Just Jew It' frisbee costing $9.99 from http://members.tripod.com/thejeworld/toys.htm I don't know that I am impressed with the Jewish frisbee. It's lame and it seems like they're just reaching now. Also, it's like a thing you get/win at a company picnic (There's no way in hell a frisbee costs $10).

I wonder if the Jews have picnics. I look into this new wonder and find that yes, the Jews do have picnics!

The jews on this bus are headed for a 'picnic'. They're all so happy and stuff. How do they know they're really going to a picnic and not a concentration camp. If I were Jewish, I would be leery of a mass assemblage of my people on a form of mass transit. And I certainly wouldn't be all cheery while doing such!

Anyway, KP, yes, the Matza Balls do have to dance! This makes the Matza Ball special, makes him stand out, makes him a favorite. I also found that 'The Dancing Matza Ball' is the only Matza representation in the entire Jewish toy world. Apparently the Matza Ball is not quite as important to the Jews as I/we had previously been led to believe. This notion led me to steer my research in a more Jewish Food related area.

I searched 'Matza Ball', and basically, 'The Dancing Matza Ball' was the third search result. Other than this there wasn't anything special, so I changed my search to just 'Matza'.

Searching this led to my findings that Gorillas apparently enjoy Matza, seemingly even more than Jews. How can this be? Are gorilla's, like dogs, possibly Jewish as well? Where's the book on this little chunk of the animal kingdom?

I did find pictures of gorillas eating matza, but the site refused to play nicely. So, enjoy this picture of this really cute kitten instead...

I have no idea what the kittens religious orientations are, but it did come up while searching 'Matza'. And then I found other, different pictures of gorillas eating matza and enjoying it...

I gave up on 'Matza' and decided to switch to searching for 'Gefelta Fish'. Then Google so nicely let me know that it was spelled wrong and so I continued my search with 'Gifilte'. Once again, there wasn't anything overly interesting, so I changed my mind again and searched 'Jewish Food'. Everything was pretty standard, with the exception of...

Apparently, M&Ms and fortune cookies are Kosher. I never would have guessed. And unless you're Jewish, you wouldn't have either!

It was also sort of implied that the Jews also eat penguins and that Jewish cuisine invokes yakking and choking and that the Jews have geniusly invented a machine that you just point at food and it tells you if it's kosher or not as seen below...

In the meantime, BEG called and she declared that there was a goldmine to be had in Jew-friendly cheese. Do the Jews eat cheese? They must! Also BEG was declared my blog's honorary Jew.

After getting off the phone with BEG, the search was switched yet again, this time to 'Jewish Sport'. I quickly realized that The Holocaust has made this small phrase a bad idea. And oh yeah, to the guy who says it never happened and everyone else of the same delusional mind...there's photgraphic proof! This search was also nearly fruitless in finding what I was actually looking for, with the exception of Jewish Super Heroes...

(Credit for this goes to www.cremesoda.net)

And finally...

That's one kosher pussy! And this concludes any further need I have to research the Jewish. I'm on to a whole list of other things to google now! Although, there might be a post about the Hanaukuh Bush, but I haven't decided yet.

Also, I direct you to http://pluralofapocalypsedeux.blogspot.com/ for the first installement of 'Dammit Dick', a stick-figure comic created by me and BEG.

All I want for Christmas...

(This is actually a couple days old)

1 - Bodysuit made entirely of the fuzzy side of Velcro
2 - 1/2 dozen Boston Cream donuts
3 - Dead bird, doesn't matter what kind, but preferably one that doesn't have Avian Flu (Do not lick dead birds!)
4 - All the goofy kneee socks in the world!
5 - Little People Hanaukuh Party Playset...for obvious reasons! (Remember folks, it's only $24.99 from Amazon. I wonder if it's cheaper in the Jewish off-season. Is there a Jewish off-season?)
6 - Facts of Life re-union, with or without George Clooney and Mackenzie Astin.
7 - My living room to be miraculously re-decorated. It would be awesome and way less work for me. I am already way too stressed and overworked to ever get it all done by myself.
8 - I am way into convenience and containment now, easy things in boxes, apparently.
9 - Pool table for such living room. It may inspire the motivation I'm seriously lacking right now.
10 - Heat! If I wanted to be this cold, I would move to Russia!
11 - Dead fish in the mail-boxes of all my enemies. Actual placement of dead fish in mail-boxes can wait until mid-July when it's 100 degrees.
12 - Shout! starring John Travolta and Jamie Walters on DVD. Travolta plays the harmonica. Heather Graham is in it too!
13 - Blanket made entirely of Fruit Roll-Up material...for obvious reasons.

Jewish Toy Research Rages On...

Image from www.useajew.com

So, recently while shopping for Christmas presents for the children in my life, I stumbled across the 'Little People Chaunakuh Party Playset' (As seen below) which has now bec0me blog-famous. I, myself am not Jewish or affiliated with any other religion but I found this to be a little off putting. To me, this playset seemed very stereo-typical, especially if you consider the Little People Christmas playset features Santa Claus and some Little People elves (as though Little People could get smaller). If I was a Jew I would be irrate...but then I stopped and thought about it. Are there more so-called Jewish toys out there other than the obvious dreidel.

I decided to do some google research as I often do and also prepared for my search by watching VH1's All Access 'So Jewtastic' there new hour long special about Jewish contributions to pop culture. It's worth the watch if you get the chance. I learned a lot from their panel of Jewish experts...as I generally do! Anyway, on with my findings...


We obviously know about the Little People playset, costing $24.99 on Amazon (I'm not sure where else you can get it as I didn't find it any place else during my research). As stated in an earlier post, the first thought any one I know had was to purchase this and see if the baby fits in the oven. This makes us terrible people...but really we are only mocking whats being mocked in the first place. Blame 'Little People', not 'Us'.

Next, we have my two favorites...dueling bags of plague, if you will. The first being a bag of tiny, plastic, crap plagues costing $12.95. The second being a large bag of all ten plagues plushified, costing $19.95!

I'd say for the money, go with the plushies becasue they don't cost all that much more and they're way better than a bag of tiny, plastic crap capable of coming out of a Jewish gumball machine in a kosher market! They also remind me of the plushy germ representatives I found a while back. Anyway, these items can be found on www.judaism.com which is also the place I found this little dandy...The Dancing Matza Ball...

It costs $5.95 and dances with the mere pull of a string. Genius! Although, I never would have guessed it was a matza ball!

Next, we have from www.judaicaenterprises.com 'The Jewish Viewer' ($8.00) and 'Jewish 3D Viewer Films' ($5.00). There is really no other information about the viewer or what happens to be on the reels, so I can really only speculate and I think since the boy on the package looks quite happy, it must be bendy, bendy Asian girls...hence the price of only $5. I could not get the pictures of these items to upload, so you'll just have to go to the website if you want to see them. Also, there was no photo I could save of The Star of David Slinky ($3) from http://jewishbazaar.com

And then there's this FRIGHTENING 'Shimmy Doll' costing $28.00 from www.jewishtoy.com

Next...Mitzvah Millionaire The Board Game of Jewish Values from www.milechai.com and costing $24.95...

There are many other Jewish toys but these were my favorite yeilds of my research. I did also find that the toys don't stop at the children though. There are also Jewish pets toys and accessories.

Bagel with Cream Cheese Plush Dog Toy costing $8 from www.jewishsource.com

Kosher Plush Dog Bone Toy costing $6.75 from www.1-800-Dreidel.com

Star of David Tennis Balls, costing $1.35 each, also from www.1-800-Driedel.com

You can get a hand crocheted Jew hat (Kipot) with strings for your dog, costing $20 (www.jewishbazaar.com for picture as it could once again not be save to my PC). How do you know your dog is a Jew?

Luckily, there's a book to help you figure it out...

I don't know where you get it though and I have no idea what it costs or what it really even entails since the Jewish seem to be keeping their product information to a bare minimum.

The Secret Life of Nuns...

They're crafty, and sneaky like Ninja! Beware snow-ball pitching brides of God! They strike when you least expect it...when they least expect it! It's hard to see them coming when their uniforms are like urban camo (they also tend to blend in the penguin house at the zoo). I bet they also wear naughty, black panties and secretly lust for Colin Farrell.

Weekend Chaos Wrapped!

So, hubby came home from Indiana on Friday, like he was supposed to. I pulled the 'If you love me you'll bring me donuts!' which he did (1/2 dozen Boston Creme). He also brought pizza.

Anyway, he decided that we should spend Saturday painting the living room, well, finishing the primer which I started like a zillion and one years ago and never quite got around to finishing. This is all fine and good, except I had been waiting on him to give me some sort of input on colors and such since everything I had already done to the living room was known to merely be temporary (It's a good thing he married a seamtress). We did not paint anything on Saturday.

Instead, first thing in the morning I was paying bills and asked him to call and get the balance on his credit card. He opens his wallet to find it missing and realized that the woman at Pizza Hut never gave it back to him. So, we left the house, got the new truck washed and returned to 'The Hut' to retrieve said credit card, which was like pulling teeth. Then we finished the X-mas shopping, which involved my purchasing Eminem's 'Curtain Call' for both myself and my brother and many, many pairs of knee socks which had been clearanced at Target. I love knee socks! After that, we went out for a late lunch with Miss Maddy and her mommy (Shortleash had just gotten up and was way too grumpy to get in the truck, so we left him to fend for himself).

During this meal, I busted a tooth on a cottage fry and had to give up on eating. Sucks! There was a wiggly chuck of my tooth that was stabbing me in the tongue and making it hard for me to even talk. We came home and I managed to knock it off, so I could speak proper again. Now, I have much agonizing dental work in my future!

We got Jezebelle to finally be happy, wearing her new coat...

Hubby once again declared there should be painting, but it was too late to start that so we decided to deal with it Sunday. Once again, I got up, and there was no painting. Instead, there was more argument about color schemes (Hubby is very anti-green). This left us with me sitting at the PC cursing and him relocating to the kitchen to rope caulk the kitchen window.

I decided we should go to the fabric store for inspiration, thinking this would make everything easier. I went into the kitchen and asked, "Do you want to go to the fabric store?", not realizing what I had done really. The very words 'FABRIC STORE' are like Kryptonite to the male of the species and they caused hubby to go mental to the point he couldn't even formulate sentences. It was the most man thing ever! We started over, I spoke slower and he agreed to go to the fabric store.

In the mean time, we had managed to live-trap one of the feral cats that runs around the neighborhood. This sucked cause the cat was really pissed and the humane society wasn't open. So the little bugger is upstairs in one of the very empty bedrooms.

We left for the fabric store and get there and they were having a massive sale on uhpolstery fabrics. Excellent! I got fabric for new slip-covers for my furniture and accent fabric for pillows and such. Plus, I got it for a qaurter of the actual price. Even more excellent especially since I needed something like 25 yards of fabric for the slip-covers and that could get really expensive, and it matches the already existing 9X12 area rugs it took forever to find in red and my groovy, red curtains. And we've now decided that the walls will be cream colored! [The plaid is for accent pillows and the floral is for the actual slip-covers.]

At the fabic store, hubby soon realized he was way out-numbered when I was talking to some other women about the struggle to decorate the living room. Hubby declared he was just happy to come home and find the place not burned down. This caused my disposable allies to give him snarly glances. We booked due to hubby's fear of estrogen overload.

I then unilaterally decided that we should go to Goodwill to poke around for stuff. I didn't really expect too much argument from hubby seeing as how he's still being punished for buying a new truck in another state without getting permission or even letting me know first.

We went and I got a very cool curio cabinet and many skirts. The skirts were an after-thought really cause it was blue-tag sale day and I had just bought all those knee socks. I did get BEG the Pat Benetar skirt that we always look at when we go to Hot Topics. And I got it for $1.39, which is way better than the $80 it is at HT. And on top of that it's brand new with the tags and extra buttons still on it!

Then we came home and I attempted to finally do the dishes (we were out of plates and down to tiny forks being the only silverware left in the drawer), which are the bain of my very existance. The kitchen faucet was broken though and no water came out. So, hubby spent a good portion of the rest of the night going out for parts and fixing it. After that I cooked dinner (BBQ boneless chicken, garlic butter noodles, mashed potatoes, corn and dinner rolls). And then we camped out to watch Nat'l Lampoons X-mas Vacation, on DVD not the chopped crap that was on post Bush (I think NBC playing it was just a ploy to get people to watch G-Dub).

I was entirely too lazy by the time the movie was over to deal with the dinner left-overs, so this was my way about it...

Plus, was fiddling with photoshop...but I think this was Thursday I did this. Still cool though! Enjoy!

The Post of Right This Second!

The most honest thing you'll read...at least right this second...

So, I just spent twenty minutes or so, trying to literally convince the damned dog that he will get sick and be all 'Wimper, Wimper, Wimper' puppy if he eats the poly fiberfil stuffing from the inside of the new stuffy dog toy that just arrived in my shipment from Petco.com I look off to the back of the room, behind me, near to the fireplace, is Bella Bella doing the very same thing to its differently colored friend (One has red edge and one has blue). These were supposed to be well assembled toys made of heavy materials for rough playing dogs, like the kind who love to play tug-o-war, dogs like mine. However it seems in just under one hour, my dogs have managed to reduce these soft toys for rough dogs to nothing more than small piles of soggy with drool fluff and shreds of something that used to be canvas but not lookes more like colored tufts of cotton candy on my living room floor. Really, there isn't a sign in the room that these toys in their originality even existed. If I hadn't known, I never would have guessed.

They love chaos it seems. Something always has to be happening or they lapse into a coma and don't even hardly breath for three hours straight. I thought laying around, playing with a toy would make this happen. Alas, I was wrong again where dogs are concerned. I must be stupid, they think.

I do not understand, and they seem to just hate me for this. When I attempt to clean up the mess and scold them as though they will actually ever learn to follow my rules, both of them proceed to have a barking and growling match, a fight seemingly had over one of the larger chunks of one of their former toys. The peice is entirely black, so I can't tell which toy it came from. I for some reason think that if I know it came from the red toy, then I can buy a stock pile of them to chew apart in the future to keep them quiet for a while as though their chewing apart either the red or the blue and at which speed had anything to do with the order in which they were chewed apart. For some reason I think maybe the red toy may have tasted better.

I try to lay down the law and quiet them. This is not in my favor when it causes them bark at me as though they are spoiled teenagers fighting over the car and trying to convince me that each of them has a better reason for needing it in the first place. Although, I can't actually fathom Angus' reason for really needing to have the largest of the pieces of what used to be a star. Maybe he thinks he can successfully chew down even further. Maybe he thinks he can chew it into nothing.

And then I give up all together when this reminds me of the video game me and BEG invented the other night. It started because I said something to the effect of, "I wish Eminem would've fucked up Moby even if only for the sheer entertainment factor of it." This led to, "You know what would be hot and Eminem could totally do?", which was then answered with, "Fuck Brittany Murphy...in half." So then that became anther level of the game. There was also the decapitation of Carson Daly and something with Fred Durst I think. But now, without her permission, because she didn't answer her phone, I have decided it should just be the Nip/Tuck movie and after Eminem literally fucks Brittany Murphy in half, Christian will have his biggest feat ever in putting poor Brittany together again. Then he will wait for her to heal and fuck her himself, in only that way he can. And then of course they can't stay together because he's Christian and she's Brittany Murphy for the love of cheese! It would be like Hollywood's first reality movie, and then they can play big screen movies which people like better at home on the TV and they can even charge for them and they can send all this truly crappy reality television to the movie theaters where no one goes anymore.Seriously, there is no way in hell, I can ever take Tyra Banks seriously now that I've seen her over-acting on that fucking ridiculous 'Americas Next Top Model' bullshit show. I think I'm about to refer to Ms. Tyra as a FUCKTARD! Sorry, BEG. Had to temporarily borrow it again. I have been watching this wacky shit every day since like Monday on VH1 because it seems to keep the dogs quiet, well, Angus at least.

And we've come pretty much full circle and the dogs are actually being quiet now. They're probably just destroying something else, like another throw pillow. They chewed a hole in one this morning before I figured out what was going on. Luckily, I made them myself and its easily replaceable.

Dammit! Flanders just said Twinkie on 'The Simpons'. Now I want a Twinkie and since I don't really like them I don't have any in my house. They freak me out, but omigod if I don't want one right now.

Fucking Baby Jesus!

First, I should start by saying, I love Wal-mart and their inability to package things properly! The other day when I was there, I bought some socks (festive holiday socks). One pair was red and green striped and the other is red and white striped. Festive socks! I thought, seeing as how they didn't say otherwise that they were like standard size, trouser socks. There was a pair with the cardboard pulled off and that was what they were, although they were not identical to either pair I bought. Anyway, Monday, I planned to wear the green and red ones...pulled off the cardboard to find that they were in all actuality knee-socks. Arrrgh! I worked around this, threw on a skirt and went on about my day [See pics below]. Today, I pulled the cardboard off the red and white pair, fully expecting now for them to be knee socks as well, which they are, but only when I unfolded them did I find the sticker on them with Santa's chubby face saying 'Knee Socks'. Did Houdini package these socks? Has Wal-mart added prankster to their laundry list of bad habits? The world may never know.

Festive me, with pigtails and my also purchased at Wal-mart Santa's Little Vixen t-shirt and then the bottom portion of the outfit with my new, festive holiday knee-socks! Ain't I cute?

Anyway, moving right along. Little Miss Maddy was supposed to be the easiest one to shop for since she's into whatever I give her. She loves me and is mostly like my kid, except of course for the fact that I can send her home when she gets aggravating (this is usually after we've had a few of our growling matches - see how unqualified I am to be a parent?). I had made a list of options, most of which were Polly Pocket related. I was sure it would be smooth sailing. Alas, I finally talked to her mother last night and she dashed all my hopes of ease by telling me Maddy already had everything on my options list. Damn it!

Miss Maddy wants a surfboard for Christmas. Does she know it's winter? And that we live in Wisconsin? Of course, she is also the same little girl who got a kickboard in October and was so excited she had to use it in the bath-tub. I'd get her a surfboard even if only to save what sanity I have left, but I have bad images of her filling their garage with water or something like that to use it. Maddy is gonna grow up and be just like me and BEG!

Anyway, this sent me rushing back to Amazon searching for other stuff. I basically did a great gifts for girls ages 5-7, and since Amazon is running out of stuff and it's crunch-time, I ended up with the great gifts they had left which inlcluded something called, 'Chicken Limbo' which I declared to BEG we need for our New Year's Eve festivities and this little gem...

It's the Little People Chaunakuh Party Playset, costing $24.99 plus shipping. I damned near clicked on the 'Add to Cart' the second I saw the picture. And then...well, if you can't laugh and don't like holocaust humor...I'd seriously suggest you stop reading right now...

I declared that if one possessed this set, which comes with 6 little people Jews, one could have their own Little People Haulocaust. BEG suggested the little Jewish baby may fit in the oven if properly trayed. We are bad, bad girls. Please forgive us. We were very upset there was no Little People Kwanza Party playset, which I have my suspicions doesn't exist because it's not a religious holiday, not that Christmas is really a religious holiday anymore anyway.

Moving on again...There was also this creepifying baby doll...

It's called something like Tummy Tickles. If this doll moves as fast as this picture suggests, this baby doll may fly away...and no one needs a little mongoloid looking baby doll flying around the house during the holiday wrap-up. I say mongoloid because this little bugger have a moving face as well and they also have a picture of it in various stages on Amazon. It goes from normal as in the pic above to mongoloid looking and then it's eyes finally close. I am actually considering buying this for Miss Maddy, even if it's only so Me and BEG can mock it till it dies.

There was also some notion to get Little Maddy the Junior Hoover Upright Vaccuum...but once again, this would be more for the evil and ability to mock because Maddy's mommy is a terrible housekeeper. I figured if we got a vaccuum into Maddy's hands early enough, she would possibly not suffer from the same affliction her mother has in the tidy department. Hubby told me it was too mean seeing as how, we, including Shortleash, Miss Maddy's daddy would understand why I bought it and her mommy would never get the joke! I'm such an wicked bitch.

And then there was the absolute pinnable of my internet shopping wierdness...not to mention Amazon's well-recognized insanity...

You know how at the bottom of the item listing on Amazon they try to give you a deal, or most of the time it's not really a deal but it's usually two things that are related and they're all like, buy them together for this price? Well, Amazon suggested that I should by Tummy Tickles and...here it is...TWISTER together! What the hell for? I can't imagine what sick mind needs these two items together! When I saw this, hubby was on the phone talking to one of his friends in AZ and I literally just cracked up lauging. I laughed so hard I was crying and freaking out and really he had no idea what was wrong with me. I had to point to the screen because I couldn't come up with any words to explain.

So, once again I am at a loss and scouring the internet for Christmas Gifts for a five year old girl. Lets just say the Bratz, even with all their vast whore-dom are looking better and better every time I open Amazon!

John Lennon Vs. Pearl Harbor

Both pictures were used without permission as usual, but clearly not for profit

[BTW: If you didn't already know, Lennon won.]

I was surfing blogs today...and actually taking the time to read and poke around some of them. I almost never stop to read the ones that involve soldiering, war or anything of that nature. It's not that I discredit these people's lives. They're human and they have just as much right to their free-will and opinions as I have to mine. They can do as they please, I just choose not to get involved.

I just don't find them very interesting. It's not just a bored thing though. Generally, I have nothing in common with these types of people. I could read these blogs, but what would be the point? I figure, I don't read their blogs and I certainly wouldn't expect them to read mine.

Anyway, I was surfing and came upon this blog that shall remain nameless, and the latest post was basically the blogger pissing and moaning about the fact that yesterday was Pearl Harbor Day and it was barely recognized on the news even, but that John Lennon's life and death were all over the place it having been the 25th anniversary of his murder and all. This blogger wondered how we could so easily blow off such an important piece of American History.

I have an answer...

It's not relevant to anyone anymore.

It personally has no effect on my life as I know it. I could study it, in depth, but it's way too late to change what happened. At 26, Pearl Harbor was already long passed history by the time I was brought into the world. I am literally not even old enough to have a real-life opinion on the Reagan presidency and I was alive for that. Was I expected to take a moment and say a prayer or something for the people who died in the attack on Pearl Harbor, something that happened more than thirty-five years before I was even an idea in my parents heads?

I'm a Beatles/Lennon fan. I can listen to this music any day of the week. The death of John Lennon is more relevant to me.

Don't get me wrong, I knew it was Pearl Harbor Day and I understand what the attack on Pearl Harbor meant to this country. I did pass U.S. History. We, as a country though have just been through so much and continue to be involved in so much since then. Not to mention everything going down now with Iraq and terrorism and all that.

Honestly, I think the doom of today is more significant. Also, I did not watch any Lennon coverage.

In the end, neither one of these things, Lennon's untimely death at the end of a madman's gun or the attack on Pearl Harbor are really so relevant to me. I'm so young, both could literally just be pages in a history book and to many young people they are. As mentioned earlier, Pearl Harbor was more than thirty-five years before I was born and when Lennon died I was just a baby or toddler as it were. And with the way school systems are run so poorly these days, to people younger than I am Pearl Harbor in reality, is really nothing more than a really long movie starring Hollywood hot-stuffs Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett.

It might be sad, but not everthing can be remembered as it maybe should be forever and thus is the reason we have books and even movies...to make sure whatever it is, is not completely forgotten forever.

If we tried to remember and take the time to give as much admiration as we possibly all could, the world would stand still in the present, surrounded, blocked in by the past and the future would either never be or it would be a mess because no one would be paying attention to see what was coming ahead. A world so wrapped up in the past that it can't even see ahead to the future is not very appealing to me as a young person with a whole life ahead of her to fill.

Anyway, I thought I might leave a comment about this very thing. However, when I read the comments that would have been previous to the one I was about to leave, I found that said blogger was not the only one freaking out about the small amount of time offered to remember Pearl Harbor day smooshed in around documentaries about John 'Give Peace a Chance' Lennon.

I quickly decided to leave the blog and blog myself without leaving a comment afterall.

In conclusion, the world is big and fills more with brand new souls everyday. BloggerX and Co., if you are reading this, you know who you are, I think you might have to just let this one go. Stressing over something like this will only shorten your future.

Ferris...You're My...Hero

(Ala Cameron in the movie Ferris Beuller's Day Off)

I love BEG. She's my own peronsal sunshine! Adrianna, you're my hero.

As you can see, BEG was not available for any photo-taking due to the fact that she is at home in The Great White North, and my digi camera zoom does not reach that far. I know what she looks like though. So, instead, please enjoy this art I made called 'Psychedelic Nipple'.

Some time ago now, BEG sent me this Big Damn Heros movie (http://wonko.com/article/323) with these two, crazy boys that me and Adrianna could literally be if we were of the opposite sex (Of course, being the girls we are, I think we would still be more manly than they are). I leave the e-mail hanging in my inbox read, but without opening the link for like four days until she finally says something about it again. When she does and gets shitty in only that way she can like she's trying to hide disappointment in me (BEG, even you know you do this), I finally opened the link and watched the movie. One of the boys in the movie is named Loren and he is such a cutie (He has a girl's name so it's pretty much like the Lindsay Buckingham/Stevie Nicks thing). I left a comment on the site about this very thing thinking nothing of it (I think BEG called me something like out-of-control or a freak, but it was just some term of endearment). Keep in mind, this is a very me thing to do. People should feel good. Compliments are for everyone deserving and I am brutally honest. I went on about my business after this thinking really nothing of it cause what else was I supposed to think or do? Then out of nowhere I get an e-mail from the guy. It was hilarious. Thanks to me he googled Wisconsin to find out more about this state or as he calls it this strange and foriegn land. He regailed me with the knowledge that the robin is the state bird (I have lived here all my life and did not know that). I was amazed. I replied to his e-mail, but then didn't get a reply, so I blew it off after only a short while. Last night I get another e-mail from him. Once again I was impressed with the way this guy just is. He's so there. In my head I liken him to Jim Morrisson. I imagine him to be slithery and beautiful. This is hot. I mention this to her and then read her the second e-mail he'd sent, verbatim. Today, I go to see if he's blogged lately cause I haven't really checked in with anyone other than the two legs of 'The Tripod' in a while and see that he has and that she has commented on it. Hmm. Strange. I read the comment she left which has her basically trying to convince him I'm totally not a psycho but doing it like I am actually a psycho and she's covering for me, like we're codependent (http://brunslo.com/article/9#comments). It's like she's mothering me and making excuses for me, which she would do under any circumstance, even in the case of my turning into a zombie. She would just tether me in her garage (with rope, I think. I'm pretty sure as a Zombie, I could chew through rope or a common leash) and stick a TV in front of me and everyday after work she would come see me in the garage and we would play video games just like in the movie Shaun of the Dead (Sorry for that if you haven't seen it yet, but really, if you've seen one zombie movie you've seen them all. No one does anything original anymore. Shaun of the Dead is no different. Holy crap, did I get off topic on that one...commence return to original point as though nothing has happened). This also puts a smile on my face.

Adrianna, once again, you are my hero, my sunshine, my co-dependant cracker-bitch partner in crime.

We have a truly sick relationship but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Bugger the Little Drummer Boy!

Every year around this time I fall into a foul mood. I just turn into this grumbling little demon girl lurking around and spiting the season by complaing about everything from the shit weather to the Chrsitmas tree skirt (by the way, I got a new one, but I don't like it. The only reason I don't like it is because I liked the old one (which by the way was too small for the new tree) and the new one is not the old one. See what I mean.

I'm like a little, troll person running under coffee tables screaming about the cocoa being too hot and endlessly adding more lights to a Christmas tree that will never be perfect no matter how I try to bend it to my standards. Occasionally, well, actually often times, I can be found in mall stores ranting and raving like a lunatic just escaped from the asylum because their selection of festive, plastic tableware is inferior and could they possible have started playing the Christmas muzak any sooner. You can never do this too soon. I very sarchastically suggest that next year they start in mid-june just so my head explodes some time by beginning of November so I can skip this holiday fiasco and still be around for Halloween. Also, I seem to be the queen of the run-on sentence. Anyway, continuing right along...

I usually have some terrifying cold by the beginning of November, generally caused by whatever skimpy thing I wore for Halloween. By mid-November, I start freezing and it's worse now that I live in a big ol' drafty house. I'd have to turn it up to ninety before it actually got warm in the living room. Also, by this time one or all of the following has happened... 1) Either one or both of my earlobes has cracked away from my face because of the shitty, winter air and cold. 2) My nose is bright red like Rudolph and people have called me this, not to mention the severe dry appearence of the skin there. 3) I have heard every piece-of-shit Christmas song covered by The Carpenters and have every time, declared something to the effect of, "There's a reason no one is upset she's dead." 4) Hubby's vehicle du jour has broken down anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 states away and now he needs to be saved (If it's under thirty minutes and it's somewhere I know, then I rescue him myself, anything other than that I find someone else to do it for me). 5) I have had some kind of aneurysm over some new Christmas movie I saw a commercial for on the TV stars some former star trying desperately to make a come-back, for instance Steve Guttenberg (80's Goofy Guy You Can't Help But Love) and Cristel Bernard (Of 'Wings' fame)in TV movie, 'The Santas'. Being in this movie is not going to get your careers back to the height they were during your fifteen minutes of fame. All it will get you is a spot on a list laying ignored on the desk of some intern at The Lifetime network. Not everyone should, could be or will be a star forever...that's why 80's rocker George Lynch became a body-builder and Sonny Bono became a governer. There's only one man who stands strong and true to his roots and maintains a consistent level of fame... Danny Bonaduce!

Whoops! There goes my attention span...I think my original train of thought got lost a couple miles back. Think. Oh, yeah. Christmas sucks...

Please keep in mind that these activities are fully interchangable and can happen whenever, wherever. Sort of like Shakira, but not as tan and way more nightmarish. Shakira is a purrrty girl!

By the time Thanksgiving rolls around, the cold from hell has nearly wiped me out and I've been thrust with luggage into the car and we're headed to the pit of hell that is Grafton, OH to visit with hubby's evil parents and the rest of his people. I am forced to stand outside and smoke and upon re-entering the house am ridiculed for being a smoker. Hot air in their house dries out my sinuses so this does not improve my cold and in fact causes cracks and bleeding. I am then raced back home, generally in some kind of white-out conditions and back into the warmer Wisconsin air, thus bringing the cold back on with full-force...like Lisa Lisa and The Cult Jam, only not as rhythm or the groovy 80's attire.

Then I finally decide to get around to my Christmas shopping which is no fun since I barely even know half the people I by gifts for and mostly don't like many of them. I fret though, stressing myself to bomb-status...if you ever see me and there's a mushroom cloud over my head, you will know what has happened and that my Christmas shopping has not gone well. Thus far, this year has not been any different. The only shopping reaching fruition with actual purchasing I accomplished was for my cats and dogs...and I did not go lightly.

It's also about this time that I start getting asked, "What do you want for Christmas?" This is something that bothers me to no end. I have no answers and then I get uncomfortable. And it's just weird.

What do I want for Christams? Who the fuck knows. Are you suggesting there's something I've neglected to get for myself. Are you suggesting I maybe don't have everything I need? Herein lies the problem, if I need something, I go out and get it, if I want something, I go out and get it. Simple as that.

Currently, I have like 1 thing on my Amazon wishlist and I've already bought it so it doesn't really need to be on there anymore. And it wasn't even something I couldn't get for myself for any reason. I just got derailed during that shopping adventure and put it on a wishlist so I could find it easily when I went back later.

My life is so efficient and yet so inefficient at the very same time. And once again straying from original topic. What was it again? Right, the holidays are really only an excuse made up by liquor companies to get us to lace our hot cocoa with booze and keep us drunk for the duration.

[The other day I had a notion that all the drinking done during the holiday season is the reason for the high-rate of Christmas suicide, but then I thought that if no one drank, the suicide rate might go down but the Christmas murder rate would probably sky-rocket. I'm not sure which side I favor in this duel.]

Anyway, I have twelve thousands lists of things I need to remember to do or buy or make. I have X-mas lists, X-mas gift lists and X-mas card lists. There are even lists for acceptable X-mas songs (Melikalikimaka / Please Come Home For Christmas / Blue Christmas, but only the Elvis version) and their unacceptable counterparts (Fuck the The Little Drummer Boy, and with the way most grandmothers I know behave Grandma was friggin' lucky it was just a reindeer that ran her over) and the same goes for X-mas movies I am in favor of (Nat'l Lampoons X-mas Vacation and little known, Smokey Mountain Christmas starring Dolly Parton) and other X-mas related programming I won't watch with the exception of those programs involving Ozzy Osbourne and/or Jessica Simpson...I will also take Jessica Simpson and/or Kenny Rogers. And I will watch any X-mas movie in which Dolly Parton plays a disgruntled, country singer or an angel and any channel's Christmas horror movie marathon.

I will not under any circumstances watch It's a Wonderful Life, in the very same way that I refuse to watch the original Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, which they usually play around Easter like it's going out of style. My mother loved them and made me and my brother watch them over and over and over again. I have now, changed my mind about Chocolate Factory because finding out that both Hubby and BEG had never seen it, caused me to gasp and I told them I was buying it and making them watch it in it's entirety. I will never sway on It's a Wonderful Life. Never. Never. Never.

In the past, some pretty terrible Christmases have transpired, starting for the most part with my Sophomore year in high school when a close friend burned to death in a car accident in Michigan (This sent another friend into a terrible depression as she was supposed to be on that trip and in that car and caused another to just completey drop off the edge and started the chain that was her many failed attempts at suicide ending with her parents eventually turning her over to the state so they could deal with her) and my aunt and uncle's apartment building burned down on that Christmas Eve. My senior year, right around Christmas, my boyfriend at the time was hit by a city bus while walking, merely a few blocks down the street to go to work and was killed. This is the same year my love for Counting Crows was rekindled with 'Long December'. There have been other various, smaller catastrophes surrounding past Christmas' as well.

I tend to want to forget all about the holidays and just hang out at home doing the things I do everyday. To me, there's not really any big deal about Christmas. I'm not religious, although one year I actually wanted to convert and celebrate Chaunakah, thinking this might help get me back into the swing of things. It's a lot of work and schooling to convert though and I just didn't have that kind of time. Now I don't believe in God at all (However, as Karma's Bitch, if there is a heaven I am so getting in wether I believe or not. BEG is too).

Generally, for me, other than the crap memories that flood me, the holidays mean dealing with family members better not dealt with, standing in long lines to buy gifts, most of which are for people I don't even like or don't even know very well (namely hubby's family) and re-decorating the Christmas tree sixty-seven thousand times because the cats have torn it apart. These are and have been my personal Christmas traditions.

Christmas for me, means stress over perfection (I'm all about the keeping order and expecting things to go smoothely, so most of the torment the holidays bring is my own fault). I have to think about what I will give people as though it actually matters in the end. I have to plan where we'll go and who we'll see, because I live too far away from my lazy relatives now and there's no chance of getting them to come here, even though I do have the largest house of the whole family. At the very least, my house is twice the size of everyone else's. I have currently four empty, unused bedrooms. People could even stay here if the weather was bad or they were too tired or inebriated to drive.

We did have a New Year's Day party last year. Half the guest list actually showed up, hung out for a bit and then left and have yet to return again with the exception of my mother, my younger brother (Tummy) and my favorite uncle. I'm thinking we're not going to revisit this catastrophe again for the new coming year. It was too much stress and running around for me that just wasn't worth it in the end.

Basically all the fun I had at this party was watching the old boarder's eldest daughter running away in terror from my crazy, hippie aunt trying to feed her carrot sticks and hanging out with BEG in the kitchen filling the same little girl with cookies, since neither one of us has no idea what to do with a child, especially one that speaks mostly German. After that, we got totally wrecked and went all the way across town to Wal-Mart with the notion of bleaching our hair (we bought the bleach, but never did anything with it). This was all stuff we could have done on any day of any year and there really wasn't anything festive about it at all.

Last year, our first Christmas in the new house was pretty un-Christmassy. We had literally just moved in a month before and there was so much work and stuff to be done that it was Christmas before we even realized it (all shopping was done at the absolute last possible second). There was a 2-foot, red metallic X-mas tree purchased at Target the year before, that was decorated, however the cat got a hold of it and decided to run with it, dragging it across the floor as though it was hers. The tree didn't even make it to mid-December last year. That night in fact it was hurled down the hall, just as the old boarder was coming in the door. It whirled right passed his head and scared the bejesus out of him. I'm not sure why. I was constantly threatening to throw my shoe at him in fits of rage (there was also some notion to stab him with a fork). After that, the tiny, disorderly tree was scooped up quickly, tossed into a trashbag and whirled into my office where it sat...until last weekend.

Hubby is a huge fan of Christmas. He's like a psycho about it. He's like a little kid and it isn't just a great presents/festival of greed thing. He just loves everything there is about the damned holiday.

Begrudgingly, I agreed to put up an actual X-mas tree this year, but I needed some more lights and a new tree skirt, so we went out to the store. It's always a bad idea to shop with him especially at Christmas time. We came out of the store $250 later with all sorts of lights for him to go hogwild in the yard and what not and a new lighted star for the top of the tree and other assorted stuff for decorating, including a costly pen to put around the tree to get the cats and dogs to leave it alone...so far this is not working on one of the cats (little demon, Mina).

Anyway, we commenced with decorating, which involved hubby turning on Christmas music. I suggested we listen to something else, like The Black Eyed Peas CDs I had finally managed to remember to purchase earlier in the day after having 'Don't Phunk With My Heart' stuck in my head for months. He declared X-mas music was the only way to go and tossed my Black Eyed Peas CDs back on the table where they came from. Fine! And then there was a fire in the fireplace and hot cocoa...all the while I was trying to get the damned lights on the Christmas tree and coming dangerously close to an I-Hate-Christmas breakdown.

So, now there are three trees - the standard decorated Christmas tree, the 4 ft fiber optic tree and once again, the two foot red metallic tree from target, stashed where the cat has no chance of getting to it...And the friggin' mantle has been decorated complete with the embroidered stockings with our names on them that his mother gave us last year...

Christmas Tree #1, locked safely in it's pen

Tree #2. It's fiber optic and seems to pretty much suck. There's a reason it was only ten bucks, I can tell you that much. Plus all the pets keep chewing on it as it is not gaurded or up high like the others.

Tree #3, high up on the top of the mantle where little, demon-cat Mina cannot get to it.

And the friggin' mantle, complete with stockings and peppermint scented candles.

So, in conclusion. There is Christmas at my house. Or a resemblance of Christmas and I promise to try not to be so bitchy about it, even when one of the cats eventually tears apart the big tree and I have to waste another whole day redecorating it. However, I will mention, all I want for Christmas this year is a little peace and quiet.